Beachgoers were surprised by the sight of dozens of migrants scrambling out of the surf today at the Playa de los Alemanes resort in Spain’s Cadiz province.

A vessel carrying migrants from the north African coast found it’s way to the popular beach resort and jettisoned its human cargo of men women and children into the shallows. Migrants faced a frantic swim and scramble ashore, where they were met with bemused looks from vacationers and some scorne.

Barry Whitlow, a Rochdale resident on holiday at Playas de los Alemanes said “We realised they were illegal immigrants the second we saw they didn’t have the all inclusive wristbands. Well, we’re not having a bunch of malnutritioned African freeloaders come on our beach and helping themselves to our buffet table. We started shouting and throwing everything from Solero ice creams to spade and buckets at them as they scrambled ashore. I even saw a parasol get lunged like a javelin across the beach; it was like the opening scene of saving private Ryan.”

Early reports indicated many casualties as it was said the beach was strewn with bloated bodies baking in the sun, covered in flies; this has since been debunked as false identification of the average British holiday goer sun bathing.

Greg Norris is an ex-pat that lives in an apartment facing the beach and witnessed the entire event.

“I was having my dinner of sausage, chips and beans at the Red Lion, when the owner Tom comes over and said ‘eh look at that’, well I almost spat out my Carling! Hundreds of darkies fresh off the boat charging up the shoreline. One actually came over and asked ‘don day esta el hospital’ or something; Well, I told him we don’t speak foreign round here and to bigger off back to whatever backwards African jungle he came from.” said Greg Norris.

“bloody cheek of it, these lot come over here and expect to live the life of luxury without paying a damn thing into the system, integrating with the community and culture or even learning the local lingo.”

We asked Greg if he knew any Spanish, he replied “Do I know any spanish? Yeah I know a few, but they all speak English. There are more ex-pats round here anyway so it makes sense.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.