People who wanted our country back surprised to discover that it’s still here

Eurosceptic holidaymakers are swapping Corfu for Cornwall, Lanzarote for Llandudno. British travel agents report that Brits are going to UK destinations they never knew existed. "We couldn't go to Paris, obvs," says Frances Horrible, "so...

Germany devoid of German Christmas markets

German shoppers are disappointed that they have nowhere to buy lots of pointless tat in the run up to Christmas.  With every British town apparently having a German Christmas market now, Germans are wondering where...

Overtired parent looking forward to grocery shopping alone for the ‘me time’

An overtired parent 'who can have your name if you like' is looking forward to going grocery shopping later without their children so they can once again experience 'me time'. The grocery expedition is largely...

Restaurants that don’t use proper plates just twats, says everyone

The growing trend for eateries to use ridiculous items to serve your food on is now becoming a serious issue as local pottery firm closes its doors for good. "Rochdale Pots & Plates" has been...

Man on cocaine has best idea ever

Barry Inferness, a 34 year old brick layer from Scotland made the discovery at a house party in Smallbridge last week; "A just thought, yer know. What if they made spicy Mars bars? It'd be...

A new Pokemon Go addition announced today is the Govey

The rare Pokemon can be found near knife drawers and can be evolved from its natural Tory stage, to raging Racist Govenator stage to it's final stage of evolution The Govegone, an invisible creature...
Man Reading Menu

Man reading menu is just going to have the burger

A Haywood man has spent the last 10 minutes reviewing each item on the menu at a Pub Bistro in Haywood only to decide to have the burger and chips. Dave Pollock of Spring lane, goes...
fox cubs

Corbyn supports hunting with dogs repeal in Government manifesto

Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to support the Conservative Party's promise to repeal the fox hunting ban. This appears to be the result of him mishearing "hunting" and believing they are intent on repealing a ban...

Fatties looking forward to annual visit to gym

Treadmills and exercise bikes across the country are being reinforced and production of industrial strength lycra is at record levels as the annual rush for gym memberships is underway, only to be cancelled within...
British Tourists

Britons still enjoy holidays abroad as long as they don’t meet foreigners

Britons have not fallen out of love with foreign holidays, according to a survey by Rochdale Community College's Leisure and Recreation Department. The survey found that the most popular summer destinations are still Spain, the...

Michael Gove themed garden gnomes to be stocked by Homebase

Domestic retail giant Homebase is rumoured to be about to bow to pressure from Michael Gove's employer, Rupert Murdoch, by stocking a series of garden gnomes with Gove's face. The loveable gnomes, to be nick-named...
Salt and Vinegar crisps

A word in your ear Mr Lineker

I have a suggestion for Gary Lineker Maybe you should stop selling Salt & Vinegar If your boss still works with the devil Then tell them to start using Gary Neville If those twats don't like your tweets Then...

Donald Trump costumes selling out faster than Kim Jong Un disguises this Halloween

Once again the time of year when all the ghouls and monsters come out to play is upon us. But enough about the tete-a-tete between the obnoxious leaders. It is the horrible, cheap, obviously...

Ginsters Sue Ginsters over Ginsters Name

It has emerged that pastry-based, snack purveyors Ginsters have taken to the courts. They aim to prevent a social movement off-shoot from adopting their mouthwatering name. The 'Ginsters' are essentially part of the Hipster movement....

Children thrilled it’s only three UKIP leaders till Christmas

Have your children been counting down the days since the end of the summer holidays? Christmas is coming up fast and nobody is more excited than us here at The Rochdale Herald. The pubs are...

Sex bots fears overrated as most men won’t read manual so won’t know how...

Scientists from the Rochdale Institute of Social Sciences have reassured that fears relating to sex bots are overrated because most men won't read the manual and won't know how to turn them on. Dr Pussy...

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