Ovaltine and cats are the new clubbing

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Night clubbing has undergone a radical change in recent years. The club scene has had many different faces. From tea dances, jazz and the dancehall days of swing and the big bands through the basements...

Michael Gove themed garden gnomes to be stocked by Homebase

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Domestic retail giant Homebase is rumoured to be about to bow to pressure from Michael Gove's employer, Rupert Murdoch, by stocking a series of garden gnomes with Gove's face. The loveable gnomes, to be nick-named...

Christians, Muslims, Satanists Opposed To Pokemon Go

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Following the UK release of Pokemon Go ten days ago, several prominent spokespersons for leading UK religious organisations have spoken out, condemning the game as being opposed to the basic tenets of their religion. Facebook...

Children thrilled it’s only three UKIP leaders till Christmas

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Have your children been counting down the days since the end of the summer holidays? Christmas is coming up fast and nobody is more excited than us here at The Rochdale Herald. The pubs are...

Ryan Air and EasyJet Shit Themselves as Government Look Into Banning Alcohol on Flights

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Budget airlines are in a state of panic as the government task some Lord to look into the possibility that alcohol could be banned or limited in airports and flights.  "Who in their right...

Fatties looking forward to annual visit to gym

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Treadmills and exercise bikes across the country are being reinforced and production of industrial strength lycra is at record levels as the annual rush for gym memberships is underway, only to be cancelled within...

Pensioners advised to burn BBC licence fee fines to keep warm this winter

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The government, breaking a manifesto promise, has facilitated the scrapping of the free TV license for over 75s from 2020. "My pension doesn't cover the bills and food as it is, the only thing that...

Safest pub in all of Yorkshire has been named

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A York pub has been named as the safest in the county. The White Hart, on Micklegate, has achieved the “zero bother” standard in the Trident - Safer Bars initiative, the highest rating in the...

Germany devoid of German Christmas markets

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German shoppers are disappointed that they have nowhere to buy lots of pointless tat in the run up to Christmas.  With every British town apparently having a German Christmas market now, Germans are wondering where...

Donald Trump costumes selling out faster than Kim Jong Un disguises this Halloween

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Once again the time of year when all the ghouls and monsters come out to play is upon us. But enough about the tete-a-tete between the obnoxious leaders. It is the horrible, cheap, obviously...

Man on cocaine has best idea ever

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Barry Inferness, a 34 year old brick layer from Scotland made the discovery at a house party in Smallbridge last week; "A just thought, yer know. What if they made spicy Mars bars? It'd be...

Island hipster cafe causes uproar with coal roasted pulled puffin bap breakfast

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The Island cafe in Kirkwall has hit the national news headlines today for all the wrong reasons for its coal roasted, pulled puffin bap breakfast. The unique culinary invention has been dreamed up by Steampunk...

Stay safe, don’t be brown in the USA – advise Foreign Office

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FOC guidelines for travellers to the USA are to be updated following recent events it was announced today. "We do realise that culturally it's very tempting to lie on a beach soaking up the rays...

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