In an exclusive for The Rochdale Herald, alleged Russian agent and leading fitness industry consultant Alexander Petrov gives Herald readers his recommendations for walking gear.

If you’re planning to walk in the country or just around a town in some slush Alexander has these great recommendations.

Shoes: Splav GRU910 Xtreme, RRP £259
£259 may seem a little steep if you are buying some walking shoes to wander around a town for a couple of hours. To this I say that you must protect your feet. These shoes are Gore Tex lined and feature the latest waterproofing technology. They are perfect for those long hikes around housing estates that are essential if you want to go anywhere. If you think that they are expensive a pair can be picked up from most army surplus stores.

Bag: Nova Tour 90L Ruck Sack, RRP £109
If you are going on a long 2 day trip then you are going to need a bag to carry all your bottles of perfume in. This 90L ruck sack is perfect for carrying your spare clothes, latex gloves and women’s perfume that no straight man would ever carry even if he has just walked through Duty Free. It also has plenty of space for you to put all your fitness supplements that you will no doubt need to buy so you can make knock-off versions to sell in bars when you get back home. One word of warning though, Pay the extra £20 for the waterproof cover. I didn’t do this and my Y-Fronts got so wet in the UK winter I had to go back to Russia early because I had run out of dry underwear.

Jacket: Red Fox 4220 XSTUVHGKIOP, RRP £500
Is £500 too much for a jacket? No. You cannot put a price on comfort. This Jacket is warm, waterproof and has loads of pockets. It’s perfect for keeping all your train tickets in, latex glove which all Russians don’t leave home without and bottles of perfume in, If you by now they will even give you a free waterproof map holder so you don’t arrive at your destination and immediately walk in the wrong direction to see the attractions.

Latex gloves: Vento, RRP £20
For £20 you get a box of 500 pairs of latex gloves. You may think this is weird but all Russian tourists travel with latex gloves. We like to layer them to trap heat instead of buying normal gloves.

Hat: Ring Aerial 80, RRP £45
The Ring Aerial 80 is a really good hat. It’s great for protecting the ears but rubbish as a disguise. You’re better off paying the extra for the Ring Aerial 150 which comes with sunglasses, a false moustache and a range of appearance altering make up.

Next week Ruslan Boshirov will be giving us an exclusive essay on English Cathedral architecture.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.