A middle aged man from Bamford is suffering from existential angst after realising his bicycle costs more than the deposit for his first house.

“I don’t really know how I got here.” Barry Metric, a 47 year old accountant from Bamford told The Herald from the top of Alp Duez. “I hit forty and accidentally bought a bicycle and now I spend more time riding it than I spend at work, with my family or sleeping.”

“I know I have a problem. I’ve been cycling for seven years and now I have fourteen bicycles each more expensive than the last. I daren’t let my wife look in the garage.”

Barry now spends sixty hours a week holding up traffic while staring at other middle aged men’s bottoms and the other 108 hours in the week thinking about holding up traffic.

“I don’t even like cycling, it’s really hard work. Bicycles are basically children’s toys and I know I look ridiculous in Lycra. I’m an accountant for god’s sake. I owe forty grand on my mortgage and I’ve got sixty grand’s worth of bicycles in my garage. It’s got to stop.”

Barry has just ordered a Trek Madone Race Shop Limited H1 2017 Road Bike from Evans Cycles for £11,500.

His wife doesn’t know. He hates himself.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.