It’s Father’s Day and an annual day of depression for men across the nation as fathers are expected to sit, smile and feign appreciation of some truly naff presents.

Particular favourites amongst unimaginative children this year are generic ‘best dad in the world’ mugs, and boxes of Cadbury’s Celebrations.

John Pickings of Middleton told the Herald; “I get woken up to a plate of runny eggs on burnt toast and orange juice served in a smeared glass. Cheers Daniel and Lucy, that’s just what I wanted at 6am on my only bloody day off”.

Ian Cummings of Norden has similar sentiments, “We all go out for a meal; I’ll shall probably pay of course. The kids gave me a new tool belt. Probably a passive aggressive suggestion from their mum, who keeps nagging for me to fix the shed door. It’s not like I have tools to fill it. Just a swiss army knife and an incomplete screwdriver set.  Letting me watch LeMans in peace would have been a better gift.”

Ken Nuttal received a card, written by his wife. And a phone call from his son at university in Newcastle; “I wiped his arse as a baby, taxi serviced him as a child and taught him to drive as a teen. I got a 5 minute phone call. After I worked 50 hours a week to make sure he was fed and clothed? Seriously? Not even a box of toffees or a crappy mug.”

“That’s ok though. When I’m 80, have spent his inheritance on whores and he’s changing my adult nappy, I’ll have the last laugh.”