National News

The average price of standing between a handful of sweaty commuters whilst the will to live is squeezed out of you is to rise by around 2.3%. Again.

After what critics are calling a feeble effort to tackle childhood obesity the government is now in hot water again as it transpired that cabinet meetings, after the recess, are to be sponsored...

Journalists and other easily baffled people were today up in arms that a thing being tested didn't work as planned. Idiots the country over were shocked to be told that highly complicated and expensive systems...

Concerns are mounting over the welfare of a Rochdale man who is apparently missing from his Lancashire home. Steve Dickinson, 42 and a bit, was last heard by neighbours shouting at the Six O’clock News,...

A recent survey of lobotomised knuckle dragging fuck nuggets revealed that they are fighting against the values that they themselves hold most dear. We caught up with one of the  participants, Baz 'Smiff', a UKIP...

UKIP were forced to admit today that big words like "joke" and "obvious" are generally beyond their grasp. The announcement came after a social media poo storm followed the announcement by Bromley UKIP Councillor Terry...

British pensioners are gearing up for this weekend’s festival of remembrance by remembering their contrived war stories. Many, like 78 year old Justin Case, spent a great deal of the war throwing up, pooing into...

Piers Morgan has been revealed as the new face of men's rights campaign 'Free the Ballbag'. Inspired by the feminist 'Free The Nipple' movement, the campaign aims to fight against what it calls a 'vaginocentric...

The Royal Society of Being Scared of Food, which has represented vegetarians for over forty years, declared tuna a vegetable today for the purpose of Spanish, French and other continental holidays. “We hear reports all...

Groundbreaking research at Rochdale Technical University’s Institute of Genetic Engineering has confirmed that evolution has stopped working, and in some cases is being reversed, among the membership of right-wing extremist groups. Doctor Jean Splicer, 42,...

Google breaks under the strain of millions of Britons preparing their excuses for work on Monday morning. As millions of us check up on the exact symptoms of sunstroke, the search engine has given up...

The half of the nation whose oven clocks are correct swapped places with the half whose oven clocks are an hour or twelve out last night. The six monthly ritual celebrates the fact that we...

The one million protestors who were expected to topple the Tory government today collectively said “fuck this, we’re off to the pub” after temperatures in the capital hit 35C. “We’re still really angry about the...

Britain's next Prime Minister is guaranteed to be female but what most people don't know yet is that only one of the contenders will come out of the leadership battle alive. Sources claim that the...

Disgraced labour MP, serial text pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk accused the former Business Secretary Sir Vince Cable of being "old hat" on Twitter this morning. Sir Cable, who wasn't suspended from his party...

GCHQ, the British spy agency that is regularly exposed for bugging our phones and nicking our online data to spy on us, has announced that it wants what is being called a Great British...