Theresa May, the unelected Prime Minister has called a snap election.

“Many of the old racists are likely to die before my five years are up,” a bloke we know is said to have overheard her saying, “so I need to get my right wing ideological attack on the poor verified by them now and whilst that useless old tramp is still running the opposition.”

Rochdale MP, Simon Dankfuck, is said to be regretting tweeting ridiculous conspiracy theories the day before the announcement and is, allegedly, according to that bloke who was eavesdropping on Maggie May, taking solace in the arms of a teenager on his desk.

It’s thought that the stupid are still feeling powerful after voting against themselves last June and will still be willing to pretend that they know what it’s all about and vote stupidly again.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn is said to be crying in the toilets of a Virgin Pendalino and refusing to come out.

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