Horse Racing

Britain begins cheap cocaine and animal abuse phase of lockdown easing

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The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today.  A spokesman said, "From today people will be able to gather in groups of 6 in their garden and watch the...

David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test

The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, "Earlier today Mr...

A1 renamed The Dominic Cummings Expressway

The A1(M) between Aberford and Durham has been officially redesignated the Dominic Cummings Expressway in recognition of its primary purpose of conveying the 'Special' Advisor to the Prime Minister wherever the fuck...

A1 to Durham renamed The Dominic Cummings Expressway

The A1(M) between Aberford and Durham has been officially redesignated the Dominic Cummings Expressway in recognition of its primary purpose of conveying the 'Special' Advisor to the Prime Minister wherever the fuck he wants...

Well I’ve never caught anything off my kids before, Facebook mum lies

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Before 2020, Rochdale mum Di Coughlan had rarely posted anything other than pictures of her adorable children and grimacing husband.  That all changed a couple of months ago, when a new profile...

Vegetable that looks like Prince Charles discovered on Rochdale allotment

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A Rochdale man has spoken to us about vegetable he has found that looks remarkably like Prince Charles.  Bill Board told us, "It was last Saturday that I found it. I saw it...

Daily Mail photo editor awarded the Iron Cross

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The chief photo editor for The Daily Mail has been awarded the Iron Cross this afternoon. A spokesman for The Daily Mail said, "This award is great news. Cropping those black kids out...

Daily Mail demands children be taught anatomy using dead bodies of their teachers

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The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, 'Let our teachers be...
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling announces he’s pregnant after taking Covid-19 antibody test

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Chris Grayling has revealed he's pregnant after he took the new Covid-19 antibody test.  A spokesman said, "It came as quite a surprise for Chris that he was pregnant. He wasn't even trying...

Foreign holiday season likely to be cancelled says Minister for the Bleedin Obvious

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Many British people are unlikely to be able to take summer holidays abroad this year says Matt Hancock in a stunning example of the bleedin' obvious. Mr Hancock explained that "it is likely...

Rishi Sunak to announce 80% wages to be replaced by a free bike

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The Chancellor of the Exchequer is set to announce that the job retention scheme, which sees those workers furloughed by their employer receive 80% of their wages from the government, will be...
Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson makes it perfectly clear that he doesn’t know his R’s from his...

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  In an historic address to the nation this evening, People's Supremo Boris 'BloJo' Johnson outlined the roadmap back to the new normality that opposition MPs have been crying out for these past...

Cliff and Keith “devastated” following death of their brother Little

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Cliff Richard and twin brother Keith are said to be "utterly devastated" following the death of their big brother, Little, sources have told The Rochdale Herald. His brother Cliff allegedly told a close...

UK Government leads world in stable door shutting contest

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The UK government has taken the lead in the worldwide contest to shut the stable door long after the horse has not only bolted but run amok and impregnated every mate it...

Virus tests increase to 1 million a day as Matt Hancock includes tests he’s...

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The UK government has announced that Covid-19 testing has now far surpassed the target figure, coming in at 1 million a day. Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, explained the new figures have been broadened to include...

Priti Patel congratulates Boris Johnson on arrival of 3001005789th baby boy

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Priti Patel, Minister for whatever the heck it is she does has been one of the first Government Ministers to congratulate Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds on the birth of their son. Ms...

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