Stevie Wonder just chooses to be blind, says Kanye West

Batshit crazy US rapper Kanye West has said that the Stevie Wonder’s blindness may be a “choice.”

“One walk a day more than enough” say The Proclaimers

Following Prime Minister Boris Johnson's announcement that the UK is now in a state of national emergency and that citizens are only permitted to leave their homes to exercise once a day, Scottish pop...

Florence and Dougal quit UK over Brexit fears

In a shock move, Magic Roundabout stars Florence and Dougal have announced they are quitting the UK to move back to their native France amidst fears for their safety after the triggering of article...

Angry Bake Off viewers demand Noel Fielding ‘get back in the effing fridge’

Ofcom enquiry expected after record complaints pour in for presenter's poor taste antics. Following the record number of complaints received concerning last week's episode of The Great British Bake Off, which featured a segment where...

Viewers hail best X Factor episode in years as sound fails

X Factor viewers are hailing last nights episode of The X Factor, the greatest episode ever after the sound failed. The still inexplicably popular show, featuring people sucking the life and soul out of once beloved songs for the...

Nigel Farage leaves LBC for remake of Howards’ Way; Nigels’ Way

Nigel Farage has left LBC and got a job on a new remake of Howards' Way called, Nigels' Way. Producer Bill Board told us, "Nigel plays Nigel, a man who has experienced 2 redundancies in...

Elton John’s Buckfast addled night of passion with Jimmy Krankie’s Mum

Elton John, no stranger to controversy, has claimed that he had a one night stand with the mother of TV comedian-child Jimmy Krankie while on a mad Bucky bender many years ago. "I was out...

Victory for disability campaigners as Broccoli family confirm next Bond will be paraplegic

The next James Bond will be played by a paraplegic actor, Eon Productions has announced. Auditions for Daniel Craig’s replacement will begin in the summer and filming of Goldenchair is set to begin early next...
Ed Sheeran

Night out at Ed Sheeran gig ruined by Ed Sheeran music

A couple has had their night out at an Ed Sheeran gig completely ruined by Ed Sheeran music. Married couple Steve and Barbara Dickinson from Rochdale were on their bi-annual night out on Thursday when...

Songwriter reveals “Always something there to remind me” was written about Herpes

The Burt Bacharach song, "Always something there to remind me" was written about Herpes. Or that's according to a new documentary to be screened on digital music channel, Scotch Egg 1 over Christmas. During the...

Bake Off viewers shocked as Paul Hollywood offers Manon Lagreve an iced finger

Great British Bake Off viewers have been taking to social media tonight in anger after Paul Hollywood offered contestant Manon Lagreve an iced finger. Bernadette Board said, "It had been a lovely episode. They'd just...
Corbyn Glastonbury

Jeremy Corbyn announces plans to nationalise the Glastonbury Music Festival

Standing on the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury, Jeremy Corbyn had a Eureka moment. "If all these bloody people can afford to come here at these prices they must all be bloody rich as Croesus.  Let's...

Michael Barrymore to present I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

Michael Barrymore is to present the next series of, "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here". The new series will see contestants head to a remote island where they will spend three weeks living...

Ann Widdecombe suspended over Strictly sex abuse claims

Privy Councillor and former Tory MP Ann Widdecombe has been suspended from the Conservative Party after shocking claims of historical abuse and inappropriate conduct were made last night. Miss Widdecombe was a contestant in...

Rochdale in mourning as Willy Wonka actor Brian Cox dies in his sleep

The much loved character was played by the very youthful looking 83 year old Scientist, Actor and Professor Brian Cox who sadly passed away earlier today. Cox was a genius of comedy timing and a...

Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle should settle rift with bikini jelly wrestling demand Daily...

Daily Express readers have today demanded that Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton settle their differences with a bout of bikini jelly wrestling. Express reader, Ian Blind told us, "The people have spoken. It's our will...

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