Elton John, no stranger to controversy, has claimed that he had a one night stand with the mother of TV comedian-child Jimmy Krankie while on a mad Bucky bender many years ago.

“I was out touring the provinces, in the days before iTunes when you had to be nice to people, and because I was young I forgot the golden rule – there’s no good coke in Scotland. So, after much ado about scoring, I found myself round the back of a Coral betting shop buying speed off a one-eyed man called Frank, and when I looked up and bam – there he was… I mean, it was a she, but… Christ, how was I to know?! That Bucky’s a nightmare…

Anyhoo, I doubt the bairn’s mine, as I’ve heard her sing and she can’t hit a  note, dear!”

Lots of sources were unavailable for coment, although a press secretary for the SDP did say off the record “drop it like a hot coal, if ye ken whit’s gud fer ye, ye daft bastard.”