Nigella returns with a series on how to wank vegetables

After a 5 year absence from our screens while laying into toot, Nigella Lawson returns to our screens this week with a series dedicated to suggestively stroking root vegetables. After many years paying attention...

Tim Westwood admits that he is a white man trapped in a black man’s...

“Tim Westwood is a giant twat, and his name makes me cringe. I LOATHE the fact that, like him or not, the hip-hop scene in the UK owes him a massive debt. It really galls me, it really does. Twat.” A. Spaniel

Stevie Wonder just chooses to be blind, says Kanye West

Batshit crazy US rapper Kanye West has said that the Stevie Wonder’s blindness may be a “choice.”
Candice

Bake Off Champion Candice announces conversion to Islam

Candice Clay, winner of the 2016 Great British Bake off, has sensationally announced She is converting to Islam.
Lionel Richie

I’ve never danced on a ceiling, confession SHOCK

Rumours are rife about the quite tall, big-faced singing star after he has "fessed up" to not dancing on ceilings. The 80's porkie-pie uttering singer has told reporters "Look, i just made it up...
Bill and Ben

Boris Johnson confirmed to star in remake of Bill and Ben

Odd hairstyle, dependent upon Weed, strange manner of attire, frankly incomprehensible language - and you can see who's pulling the strings. Boris Johnson was born to play the part of Ben 'the funny one' Flowerpot. When interviewed,...

Idris Elba to play Duke of Wellington

In what has been seen as an homage to Brexit, Idris Elba is to take on the role of The Duke of Wellington in a new film, "Battle of Waterloo". Although some have called the...
Mrs Brown's Boys

Mrs Brown’s Boys accused of hiding all their funny jokes in offshore accounts

Following recent reports that members of the cast of inexplicably popular BBC "comedy" Mrs Brown's Boys have funds stored in offshore tax havens, The Rochdale Herald has learned of more allegations in relation to...

Mary, Mel and Sue to present new slapstick kids tv show ‘The Cackle...

The trio who recently opted out of any future appearances on Great British Bake Off after its acquisition by Channel 4 announced the news earlier today. The decision stangely coincides with the news that the...
live band

Band at every live gig is having loads more fun than audience

According to experts who have been to gigs every band in the world is definitely having more fun than the audience. "Standing ankle deep in urine next to strangers who smell of rolling tobacco and...
Michael Flatley

Michael Flatley confirmed as world’s second biggest wanker

Rhino horn collector and jig enthusiast Michael Flatley confirmed today that he is the World's second biggest wanker after announcing he will perform a jig at Trump's Inauguration Ball.
Glastonbury

Corbyn’s speech was good but what have Cheesemakers done for me, asks man at...

Jeremy Corbyn attended the Glastonbury festival today to deliver a speech to a crowd of thousands. The MP, short for the Messiah of the People, spoke to the crowd about the rights and responsibilities of...

Nick Clegg announced to appear on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

After being metaphorically bludgeoned to death by his electorate, former MP and Liberal Democrats leader Nick Clegg has left politics with his reputation in tatters. After delivering his farewell speech Clegg was approached by an...

Corbyn popularity ratings soar after ZZ Top grant him keys to magic Hot Rod

In what would at first glance appear to be a complete and utter ripoff of an Onion article dating back to 1997, Labour Party Supremo Jeremy Corbyn has seen his popularity rating soaring to...

Euro TV Satellite expected to fall on Rochdale: “Nothing to fear” say boffins

28.2E Astra2/Eurobird1 may not mean anything to most people, but it is very much in the minds of worried Rochdale residents who have recently learned that the high-tech TV satellite is expected to fall...

Radiohead Gig Attracts Record Number Of Twats

Research has shown that the Old Trafford gig on July 4th by Radiohead attracted more wankers than any previous gig. It is estimated that, of the 31,000 crowd, 68.7% were utter tosspots. The total...

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