Pinocchio to play Nigel Farage in hotly awaited biopic

Requests from the public to name the film have had to be abandoned. They were either correctly spelled expletives or poorly written praise so hard to comprehend that the staffer responsible for sifting through the responses incurred a nose bleed.
Ed Sheeran

Night out at Ed Sheeran gig ruined by Ed Sheeran music

A couple has had their night out at an Ed Sheeran gig completely ruined by Ed Sheeran music. Married couple Steve and Barbara Dickinson from Rochdale were on their bi-annual night out on Thursday when...

This weeks Soap headlines

The Rochdale Herald: Giving you all the goss! Emmerdale Farm It's all twists and turns this week as someone has a brew from the cafe and doesn't pay! Pollard is up to his old tricks again....
Jeremy Corbyn

Corbyn stuns Glastonbury with acapella cover of Prodigy’s Firestarter on Pyramid Stage

Jeremy Corbyn left the bustling fields of Glastonbury in stunned silence this afternoon after performing an accapella ballad of the renowned Prodigy song 'Firestarter'. Corbyn cooly walked out onto the main stage of the popular...
Doctor Who

Calls for end to austerity as BBC reveal they can only afford female to...

Cost cutting at state broadcaster curtails roles for male actors. The BBC has responded to continuing pressure from central government to reduce costs by reducing production budgets. This ongoing pressure is nowhere more visible than on...

70 year old scouser claims he was never a Roadie for The Beatles

Stephen Scully from knotty Ash in Liverpool has come forward to make the quite outrageous claim that he was never ever a roadie for the wobbly headed Fab Four. To date since the band broke...
Peter Capaldi

Flying a Tardis is so easy even a woman can do it, Peter Capaldi...

“Putting a woman in the Tardis is like putting a woman in Number Ten. And we all know how well that went!” Capaldi said, as he addressed an emergency cabinet meeting. “I love Number...
Marxist Bedwetter

John Lewis advert “Darkly Sinister”

John Lewis, purveyors of things that ultimately no one needs or wants, has made everything better with a darkly sinister tale about a black family that buys a trampoline which immediately gets shat on...

Self-proclaimed ‘bestest dealmaker’ fails to do deal with Bruce Springsteen cover band

Idiots across America who voted for Trump because he told them he was really good at doing deals are surprised by the news he hasn't been able to do a deal with a Bruce Springsteen tribute band.
Ramones

Onlookers stunned as man in Ramones t-shirt successfully names two band members

The patrons and entire staff team at The Reed public house were in shock yesterday, after a man wearing a culturally iconic but no longer relevant t-shirt of a long dead punk group managed...

BBC in new accusations of bias

Following the release of a teaser for the upcoming Star Wars VIII documentary film, the BBC has been accused of heavy bias towards the rebel scum.  Recent Question Time programmes have featured panels heavy with...

Donald Trump Twitter Account wins Nobel Prize for fiction

The American character actor, author and comedian behind the Twitter Account, @realdonaldtrump, has scooped the Nobel Prize award for the best work of fiction in 2017. The American prankster and president Donald Trump said he...

Nigella returns with a series on how to wank vegetables

After a 5 year absence from our screens while laying into toot, Nigella Lawson returns to our screens this week with a series dedicated to suggestively stroking root vegetables. After many years paying attention...

Parents across the country prepare to encourage their kids to defy them

Yes, it's that time of the year again, the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air and knob heads can't wait two hours until it goes dark before letting off their...

Bert Outs Himself as Straight After “Living a Lie”

Actor and former Sesame Streeter Bert has broken one of the major taboos that surround acting by revealing that he is not gay. Bert had known for a long time but had only recently come...
Rick Astley

Rick Astley gives up turns around and deserts you

The 80's smash hit superstar and naughties annoying meme, Rick Astley, is hanging up his mic once and for all. After the the shock death of his arch nemesis George Michael and general 2016 shittyness,...

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