Sir Cliff performing with some children

Cliff Richards recently learned that South Yorkshire Police will not be pursuing historic sexual abuse claims against him, but he hasn’t escaped the wrath of the good folk of Rochdale. The entire population is furious that the warbler has never performed in, or even had a summer holiday in our fine city.

The crooner socialising with Jimmy Savile
The singer, whose career has spanned almost sixty years, has never been charged or prosecuted for any crime; including those such as GBH, hate-speech, embezzlement, armed robbery, attempted murder, or sexual contact with animals and we are not suggesting he’s guilty of any of them. Proud Rochdalians, however, say he’s DEFINITELY GUILTY of failing to make any attempt to entertain the City.

Getting close to a kitten
The baby faced entertainer had the bare faced cheek to turn down an invitation to the nearby annual Haywood Queen’s Park Fete in 2014 with a derisory response through his PA and nothing has been heard from him since, so obviously we don’t talk any more.

Jamming with alleged war criminal Tony Blair
As a result of his half century of disrespect, we at The Herald decided to hit the streets to find out what you, the public, think of his blatant shunning of Rochdale’s inhabitants and the results weren’t pretty. A selection of the responses can be seen below, along with some interesting photographs.

With Rolf Harris – jailed portrait artist to The Queen
Chester Brickmore (37): ‘I think it’s a f**king disgrace, this shameless old c**t must think we’re a bloody joke. What’s wrong with the a**e-sn****ng s*****abber’?

Cliff in leather chaps
Seamus Carney (87): ‘Peter Pan of f**king Pop? That must make Rochdale Never Never Land, because the co******ing w***er has never been here’.

Pictured with Ted Heath
Anita Wakefield (67): ‘What a load of sh*** y bo*****s. This t**t better not show his f****ng face round here or I’ll scratch his eyes out’.

Watersports with a dolphin
Abdul Aziz (19): ‘I’ve never listened to this complete wa***aft and I never will. F***ing n***e thinks he’s too good for us does he? F**k him’.

Cliff was close to Cilla, who some suggest died in mysterious circumstances
Sharon Ariel (40): ‘This b****rd has always disgusted me. There’s definitely something fishy going on there. Why does he refuse to come here? Ban the sp*****cket, I say’.

Myra Hindley
Cyril Smythe (76): ‘I liked him years ago, but if the c***-hungry s***wipe refuses to come here, then he can go and stick a d***o up his a**e’.

Another feline in Cliff’s clutches
As you can see, Richards’ continuous spurning of our city has gone down like a bag of s**t dropped from Ashfield Valley flats and these were just some of the more polite responses.

Let us know what you think in the comments section below.