Distraught musicians Florence Welch and Calvin Harris have spoken out at their horror of discovering that they have next to no control over what type of people might like their music.

The musicians have both hit out at the Tory party for having the audacity to, completely legitimately and legally, use their music at the annual party conference.

In an interview with the Herald, Welch revealed that whilst she loves the idea of music being universal, crossing the boundaries between race, nationality and political persuasion, she would prefer it if Tories and other right-wingers would just stick to listening to Wagner. “It’s just plain wrong that my music should be associated with the Tory party conference. I mean, what do I have in common with anyone in that room other than being a multi-millionaire who uses tax efficient schemes to avoid over-paying the treasury? I would prefer it if my music was only appreciated by those that I agree with politically. There ought to be some sort of law to stop people whose views I don’t agree with from listening to my music.”

Calvin Harris agrees. “Whilst I’m more than happy to sit back and let the royalties flood in, it would be better if people I don’t like would just pay me the money and not actually listen to my stuff. It wouldn’t be so bad, but the whole event was a shambles. I now have to live with the knowledge that anytime anyone fancies a laugh and wants to watch Theresa’s comedy stand-up routine, that she will walk in to ‘This is What You Came For’. It’s just plain wrong”

Wagner was unavailable for comment.