Nuclear war could be a massive boost for post Brexit British industry

A globally devastating nuclear war could prove to be a massive boost for post Brexit British industry, the UK's Secretary of State for International Trade, former Secretary of State for Defence, and enthusiastic poultry...

Trump to rename Black Friday White Friday

Today news has reached us here at The Herald that President elect Donald Trump has insisted Black Friday (the traditional start of the festive shopping period in the US) is to be rebranded White...

The Shard ‘nearly finished’

The Shard in London is nearing completion, according to developers. Once finished, it will stand at 310m and will be the tallest building in the United Kingdom and the 105th tallest in the world. Construction began...
Drone

ISIL in talks with Amazon over drone deliveries deal

An email has surfaced, from an anonymous source claiming to be from within Amazon, which suggests that the international distribution leviathan is in secret talks with a shadowy company over its plans to roll...
Bearded hipster coffee

Artisan coffee is actually just coffee, admits pretentious twat

A pretentious twat from Rochdale has admitted that so-called artisan coffee is actually just the same as all other coffee, just a bit more of a hassle to make and more expensive. Bojangles St Claire,...

Halcyon Days Here to Stay

  Alexander Boris de Pfeffle Johnson won't even be declared as head of the Tory Party until the needless sham of a leadership election is publicly played out in a futile attempt to convince the...

Sports Direct worker in critical condition after selling bag for life and giant mug

Medics were today called to Sports Direct at the Kingsway Shopping Centre in Rochdale after a member of the till staff collapsed in shock. Mary Jayne Watson (31) from the Falinge estate was working what...

Gavin Williamson to join Facebook as head of privacy

Facebook has hired former Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson as head of its global privacy and secret keeping team. The 42-year-old politician former UK Defence Secretary, and chief secret keeper,...

HS2 to be built by immigrants

The government is expected to reveal plans to admit up to two thousand migrant workers from the Calais Jungle to help construct  HS2. Prospective workers will be assessed on their skills, and those selected will...

Former President of Gambia applies for Argos security guard position

After decades of ruling over Gambia, dictator Yahya Jammeh has recently lost an election to Adama Barrow who, amazingly, used to be a north London Argos security guard himself. Jammeh, who's full title was 'His...

Waitrose appoint new Head of Egg Hiding

Supermarket giant Waitrose today announced the appointment of Alex Bell as the new Head of Egg Hiding. Proudly the UK market leader in un-helpful shop lay-out and product camouflage, Waitrose have moved quickly in the...

Rochdale DFS Sale has finally ended

Rochdale DFS announced the first end of a sale for a decade after running out of sofas yesterday. DFS customers in Rochdale are expected to be paying full price for sofas and hearth rugs for...

Phillip Green to give his entire worldly goods to charity and live naked in...

Former British Home Stores (BHS) owner Sir Philip Green has announced that he will give his entire worldly goods to charity and that he plans to live "au naturel" in a small copse of...

If the Irish don’t want Apple’s £11BN tell them we’ll have it – say...

It transpires that North Sea Oil Revenues now contribute £60Million to the Scottish revenue pot, down from almost £13Billion a couple of years ago because you now sell a barrel of North Sea Oil...
Snobbish man

85% Of Waitrose Customers Horrified To Learn It Is A Workers’ Collective

Festive upper middle class shoppers in Waitrose were astonished and horrified to learn that the store is run as a workers' collective. Eric Pode (40), a shopper in the Croydon branch and a keen amateur...

New Voting System Ticks All The Wrong Boxes

More controversy engulfed Rochdale Borough Council today as councillors in Rochdale's Labour run Balderstone and Kirkholt ward rolled out their new voting initiative just one day before the EU referendum. Dubbed DRS (an acronym standing...

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