In an ironic illustration of life imitating art it was revealed today that Channel 4 property porn star, Phil Spencer, really did operate as a secret agent in the late 1990’s.
Spencer’s new autobiography ‘How about that for a rear entry?’ is currently being serialised in ‘Property Speculators Weekly.’
In it, he claims that he operated undercover for the IRS in planting bugs in Donald Trump’s ‘Trump Taj Mahal’ casino and hotel in Atlantic City as part of a collaboration between the IRS and his estate agency.
“It was a simple sound-stealing operation,” Phil tells us. “The IRS were suspicious about how a casino with the largest gambling receipts in the country could actually lose money. It had to be some sort of scam, right? I mean, by their reckoning, you would literally have to have shit-for-brains to open a billion dollar casino and lose money.”
“Trump was looking to sell, and he needed some advice on how best to market the property, so I was called in to offer my opinion on decluttering, painting everything a neutral colour and generally covering up all the nasty shit that had accumulated behind the one-armed bandits. He was getting a lot of walk-ins but no real offers, and I helped him give it some kerb appeal. Secretly I was also planting microphones and hidden cameras all over the joint.”
In an interview it was pointed out that Trump had never been prosecuted for tax evasion or money laundering through his Trump Taj Mahal operation. “No,” admitted Phil. ” So it turns out that after many weeks of listening and watching, the IRS concluded that Trump really does have shit-for-brains.”
When asked if he participated in any other clandestine operations, Phil declined to answer, although he did admit:
“Sarah Beeny did that Nelson Mandela thing, you know. With the downstairs bathroom conversion and the en suite extension. The man didn’t crap in private for years.”