In one month’s time, the Bank Of England will roll out the new polymer five pound banknote, replacing and ultimately phasing out the familiar paper ones that we have all come to know and love. The Bank Of England promises that the new notes will be cleaner, more secure, and more durable than paper banknotes. They add that they will provide ‘enhanced counterfeit resilience’, and increase the quality of banknotes in circulation. However, it would appear that the general public are overwhelmingly disgusted upon hearing the news.

Random member of the Rochdale public Ms G. Duffy, 76, informed us; “Well, they look a bit like Euros, don’t they? What was the point of us fighting and winning a referendum to get out when they go and foist this on us? We should have another referendum and tell them to stick their ruddy plastic notes, and that’s swearing. Close the boarders (sic) now and evoke artichoke 50”.

In an effort to glean significantly representative and unbiased responses from an adequate cross section of the population, we spoke to another local resident, Mr Arthur Piles, 78, who told us; “I HATE them. If I’d wanted plastic foreign money, I’d have voted in. It’s just another example of Brussels forcing their will upon our soverignty (sic). I don’t like these fiddly new five pee pieces either”.

One final interviewee, who asked to remain nameless (Mrs Irene Dankworth, 72, currently residing at 72 Falinge Road, OL12 6LE), made her opinion clear in no uncertain terms; “This is nothing short of a national disgrace” she told us. “Since the referendum, I have come to expect a say in all national decisions as my birthright. Plastic notes? I may as well move to bloody Calcutta.”

A blurred image of a new polymer five pound note featuring no discernible images of any person living or dead whatsoever

Despite causing controversy over their plastic polymer construction, the new notes have received a warm reception from the public concerning their choice of featured historical characters.

The new five pound note might feature The Prophet Muhammed on the front, replacing the familiar image of Her Majesty the Queen (Bank of England Governor Mark Carney is said to have become ‘very interested’ in Islam after meeting Mayor of London Sadiq Khan at a bacon festival at London’s Smithfield Market earlier this year, citing The Prophet as ‘a great role model for kids who we’re sure will be a big hit with Muslims and non Muslims alike’, and on the reverse side replacing Elizabeth Fry is popular children’s television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile OBE.

“I used to love Jim’ll Fix It when it was on the telly, and we feel proud to be able to honour a man who did so much for raising money and awareness for children’s charities” Mr Carney was allegedly overheard to say by an anonymous and mysterious unnamed source.

The stupid new plastic note featuring national treasure Saville

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