National News

Mcvities and Walkers crisps have allegedly got behind a backbench revolt to decriminalise cannabis. Plans are already being made to reclassify cannabis from a class B drug to a totally legal drug. A McVitie's spokesman,...

Quentin Letts, which is a name you may have heard, without actually knowing what it is, is apparently a man, and not an upper middle class estate agency. Letts, 54, writes about politics for the...

Authors of satirical magazines and websites across the globe have confirmed that reality has now overtaken the worst piss-taking they could ever imagine. "Donald Trump has made all my efforts redundant" confides Daily Mash contributor...

Support groups representing bullies are calling for the term bully to be banned. They claim it is a negative and pejorative phrase and leaves the victims feeling, well, bullied. Gripper Stebson of Bullies Against Slander,...

Britain and Spain are embroiled in a ferocious diplomatic incident after Boris Johnson hit King Felipe VI of Spain on the forehead with a spoon after mistaking him for a drinks waiter. The incident, described...

Jeremy Corbyn today strenuously denied having pineapple on the pizza he shared with Assad Supporting, Genocide Denier and all around Russian puppet Marcus Papadopoulos. Despite repeated photos appearing of the offending pseudo-Hawaiian culinary insult,...

The annual Orange walk of Belfast's protestant population is to take place this weekend and is expected to reveal itself now as a 24K gold walk. Orange walks take place throughout the year but the...

Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England, the place where they invent money, has admitted that remain campaigners accused of scaremongering may actually be truthmongering. The surprising intervention comes as new economic data strongly...

The boss of a Rochdale mobile phone tech support company, Globally Integrated Mobile Phone Solutions, has been telling the Herald how electric shock therapy is helping recharge his workforce's batteries. Oli Chopper-Mystique, GIMPS director of...

As the umpteenth series of the godawful fantasy franchise "Game of Thrones" is due to air on Murdoch-vision this week, those with more refined taste are bracing themselves for months of impenetrable chatter. "What did...

An all star cast is to appear in seasoned stage director Rupert Murdoch's new adaptation of the J. M. Barrie classic 'Peter Pan'. Michael Gove has been cast as Tick-Tock, Theresa May as Captain Hook...

Government manicurists today rushed to Theresa May's aid following a nail injury, frantically claiming it was merely "chipped varnish". As finger after taloned finger slips from the precipice, purchases of fake nails have sky...

Anthropologists working at the University of Bath today released a study which they claim demonstrates that the human race appears to be separating into two distinct species. They also point out that, for one of...

Breakthrough for influential alt-gay movement as the legendary Ruth Hunt, CEO of Stonewall, personally announced the plan to address the concerns that alt-gays were insufficiently recognised at Pride marches. She said: “You might think I would...

This week MPs have debated in parliament for the commission of a statue to commemorate the former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. The original proposal of a metal bust, worth £300,000 was voted down in parliament....

In another great victory for liberal tolerance, the much maligned "just a phase" movement will be properly recognised at tomorrow's London Pride. In between the many sexual identities and gender fluid marchers you will...