National News

Daily Express readers up and down the country have welcomed the news of Duchess of Sussex's pregnancy by crossing all of their fingers and hoping to God that the baby is a ginger. The announcement...

Last week there was a rather big election in the USA. The supporters of the losing candidate have spent every waking moment since, it seems, trying to find anybody to blame for the victory...

In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the new £50 note is to be made of foie gras. The announcement comes as a double blow to angry vegetarians, who found out that the...

A woman sitting on the roof of a runaway train full of burning horseshit has said she is "proving the doubters wrong" after not crashing yet. The train, which is mostly full of burning manure...

In a stunning feat of memory and dazzling competence a husband from Rochdale has managed to put the right bin out on the right day. According to reports Steve Dickinson, 42 and a half, put...

A member of UKIP was today suspended when found reading a book that does not appear on UKIP's 'approved' list. The list, which includes Tommy Robinson's Mohammed's Koran, Mein Kampf, Nietzsche. Heidegger and rather...

A dutiful family dog has very helpfully informed a sleeping baby that there is somebody at the door. The seven year old Cocker Spaniel made the announcement at about 8pm this evening shortly after his...

As reported yesterday, Muslim women have been on the streets in an adapted version of the burka in an attempt to integrate with middle aged gutbucket blokes from bastions of western civilisation such as...

The Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has absolutely clarified Labour's position on the EU today in a really important speech in Coventry. He told the press that if he lives long enough to see another General...

Michael Gove has confirmed that he will be spending New Year Eve at home for quiet night in with his eggs. The environment secretary has told The Rochdale Herald that he is planning on eating...

The parents of an adorable baby in the borough of Rochdale were dismayed to learn today that statistically it is very likely that he will grow up to become a "massive bellend". Steve and Barbara...

Security has been increased at King Edward VII hospital, where it is believed her Majesty the Queen is currently undergoing treatment for an acute and sudden disorder. A source from inside the hospital told us...

The Tory Party has pledged that every doorway in Britain will get a free homeless person by 2021. A spokesman told us, "The Tory Party will not rest until there is a homeless person in...

Arron Banks has said that he only spoke to Russian Government officials because they had asked him to organise a tour of Salisbury Cathedral. Mr Banks was speaking after it was revealed that the...

BMW has confirmed a second recall of hundreds of thousands of vehicles from UK roads in a year, due to problems with the cars faulty drivers. The German car giant said it was recalling 312,000...

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Theresa May, has announced that she didn't want to go to the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle anyway. The announcement came...