Downing Street

DUP advises British Gas customers to burn witches and Catholics to keep warm this...

41
Princess Diana's body is to be exhumed and hung on a gibbet outside Buckingham Palace to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the last witch-hunt...
Wayne La Pierre

Only a good guy with a knife can stop a bad guy with a...

0
The Head of the National Cutlery Association, Wayne La Cuillère, has lashed out at Donald Trump on Twitter this afternoon, after the US President...
Spa Day

Why can’t we just do a spa day and go to bed early, says...

51
In a world first a group of lads from Rochdale have posed the question, "why can't we just do something civilised and get a...
Oldham

Move to rename Oldham as Oldtofu welcomed by militant vegans

0
The town of Oldham, Greater Mancashire, has been praised by vegan activists, hipsters and liberal snowflakes alike for taking the progressive move of removing...
oldham

Fears grow for BBC Explorer missing in Oldham

0
The alarm was raised today after BBC documentary maker and explorer Professor Robert Falcon failed to emerge from Oldham after missing his rendezvous with...

Inner city youths escape prison for dogfighting by wearing red jackets and calling people...

0
Inner-city police are warning of the rise of a brutal new "sport" among the working classes, a savage, twisted parody of the fine ancient...
Ant and Dec

Ant McPartlin’s forehead to be used as theatre wheelchair ramp as part of community...

0
There was a much needed boost for disabled theatre lovers today, as a West End theatre confirmed they had secured the use of Ant...
Ann Widdecombe

Anne Widdecombe symbolically frees her slave

0
Following her first speech in the European Parliament, we have avoided the term 'maiden speech' as all her speeches are maiden, Anne Widdecombe has...

ISIS claim responsibility for self-service checkouts

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So called 'Islamic State'  have claimed responsibility for supermarket self service checkouts. A statement released by ISIS said they came up with the idea after...
Sad Child

Facebook ruining Christmas for kids in poverty

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Facebook in their infinite wisdom have smashed the holy hell out of the reach of comedy pages likes ours, NewsThump, Tuckered and SNN. Apparently they...

Irish Garda stalk Stephen Hawking in Richard Dawkins blasphemy mix up

1
After the recent news that Stephen Fry is to be stoned to death by Irish authorities for calling God 'a bit of dick', the Irish...

Passengers of runaway train have pointless argument over who should pretend they’re driving

0
May means May Passengers on the 11:12 Eurostar return to Britain have had a pointless argument over who is driving.  The train, which is rapidly...

Florence and Dougal quit UK over Brexit fears

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In a shock move, Magic Roundabout stars Florence and Dougal have announced they are quitting the UK to move back to their native France...
Knobhead

Knobhead calls knobhead knobhead

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Renowned knobhead Liam Gallagher has snubbed famous knobhead James Corden by refusing to appear on his TV show Carpool Karaoke. Gallagher, who is currently touring...
Burnley Teenager

Burnley schoolgirl goes whole term without getting pregnant

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The leader of Burnley council has called for calm today, after it was revealed a Burnley schoolgirl went an entire term without becoming pregnant. Eric...
Rees Mogg

You lost get over it, Jacob Rees-Mogg told

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group...

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