The children of Fascists have been conveying their excitement at there only being 6 more sleeps until poppy day.
7 year old Bill Board said, “Poppy day is my favourite day of the year. I wake up really excited and go down stairs to find out if Father Poppymas has been. I open my presents and then we go and put on our best Ben Sherman polo shirts on. Last year, I got downstairs to find Father Poppymas was laid asleep on the floor in his suit with a can of Stella next to him. It was very special.”
9 year old Stan Still said, “We always have Poppy Day Dinner in the pub. It’s really good because I get to eat a load of food then we all sit around the wide screen TV and sing “2 World Wars and 1 World cup” at anyone who looks a bit foreign.”
Stan’s dad, Stan Sr or Rochdales’s self-styled Douglas Bader, who fought in Iraq despite claiming disability at the time and being arrested 7 times by police in Malia during his tour told us, “It’s all about respecting the dead. We’ve had the display up outside of a light up dead soldier in the garden and a 14 foot diameter poppy on the side of the house. Anybody who doesn’t show respect is a lefty traitor who would vote for Corbyn and wouldn’t have stood up to Hitler. People like that should be killed as traitors for not loving war enough. Me, I can’t get enough of war. I love it.”
And it’s not just individuals. Town Councillor, Cliff Edge told us, “We’ve spent a lot of time and money on this years festivities. We’ve spent a lot of time turning the town centre into a mawkish version of Blackpool illuminations. It’s definitely about remembering and not because a bunch of shouty people in Wetherspoon’s will use it as an excuse for mindless thuggery and vandalism if we don’t.”
But not everybody is as keen. One person who wanted to remain nameless for fear of reprisals at not being patriotic enough said, “It used to be Poppy Day was a sombre occasion for remembering the dead of the First World War. Now it’s found a new place akin to Christmas for the sort of people who, in 1935, would have said Hitler was a nice chap and forgiven Mussolini a few indiscretions for getting the trains to run on time.”
In response Stan Sr told us, “That’s just the sort of person who would burn all the poppies on the war memorial and take a dump on it. I hope they get raped and killed.”
Elsewhere, it’s widely rumoured that the pub chain, Wetherspoon’s is preparing for a bumper weekend as revellers look to celebrate Britain’s sacrifice.
Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.