In a shock move Friday, a UK libel court has ordered that controversial Daily Mail colonist and professional bigot, Katie Hopkins be burned at the stake as a witch.
Hopkins was in court facing an allegation that she had libeled food blogger Jack Munroe by alleging on social media that she had defaced a war memorial, and then repeatedly refusing to withdraw the allegation or apologise.
Pronouncing his verdict, Judge Desmond Redd, upheld the allegation of libel by Ms Napkins and that in addition to awarding substantial damages and costs to Ms Munroe said he would pass a further sentence which he hoped would serve as an example to demonstrate that no matter how much of an utter cunt a Daily mail columnist may think he or she is, no one is above the law.
Donning a black homburg Judge D Redd said: ” ‘Pour encourager les autres’, it is the decision of this court that Ms Catkins be taken from here to a place of public incineration and there be burned at the stake, until everyone has stopped laughing.”
Cheers rang out through the court as Kunty Chopkins was swathed in chains and dragged physically through the chamber.
Although greeted with approval by Ms Chopsticks’ many detractors the sentence was criticised by the British Association of Cockroaches who have long been at loggerheads with her over her accusation that Cockroaches resemble Syrian refugees.
“Execution by funeral pyre simply is not the answer said a spokesroach. “Unless it has a very high fibre content, and is thoroughly dried out first, shit just doesn’t burn,” he explained.
A spokesroach for the Association’s dung-beetle chapter also confirmed to the Herald that they were passing up the chance of a free feast.
“Frankly we wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire – which of course she won’t be unless we douse her in petrol first,” he laughed.
Ms Kuntkins agent Phil Feelooker expressed his disappointment at the harshness of the sentence claiming that his client was a changed woman.
“Katie has realised that the market for grossly disproportionate non-righteous anger has peaked and had been preparing to reposition herself as a sort of ‘post satire mother Theresa figure’, to tap into the growing trend for compassion and understanding of complex issues,” he said.
“To that end she had been readying herself to be ordained into the Church of England, but she’s had to drop that since Paul Nuttall resigned as Archbishop,” he explained, adding that instead Shitkins was considering a very interesting offer from the BBC.
“She’s had an offer to be a team captain on a new news-oriented panel game to be called ‘Mock the Weak’ where two teams of rich, right wing bigots compete to see who can be more condescending and unpleasant about those less fortunate than themselves,” he explained.
“Frankly the job was made for Katie and we will be doing everything we can to ensure that her appeal against public immolation is successful so she can give this new opportunity the full attention it deserves,” he said.
“If not, well can I interest you in a bag of unique barbecue charcoal?” he asked.