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Rochdale, UK

Duke of Edinburgh embroiled in food poisoning compensation scam

The Duke of Edinburgh is reported to have become embroiled in a food poisoning compensation scam scandal today just hours after being discharged from King Edward VIIII's hospital in Battersea. The Duke is rumoured to...

Homes burning down better than house prices going down say Kensington Council

Kensington Council and owners of luxury apartments in the borough are distraught following the tragic fire at the Grenfell Tower Block last week. The council's initial idea of finding homes in the Outer Hebrides for...
Angry People

Rochdale Herald distances itself from Rochdale Herald Online question whether Daily Mail Editor Paul...

We are aware this may make us appear terribly foolish. The Rochdale Herald Editor, the late Quentin D Fortesqueue, is seething about the lack of comprehension amongst the respective readerships of the difference between the...
Queen and Philip

Queen to redo speech after forgetting to say ‘strong and stable’

In an unprecedented move Theresa May is to inform Queen Elizabeth that she will need to redo today's Queen's Speech in Parliament because she forgot to say 'strong and stable'. The shock announcement from Downing...

Social media giant adds “I am staying home” button for Londoners

Social media users woke to the discovery of a useful new button on one of the most popular platforms today as an "I am staying home" button was added just for today. The button is in...

May criticised for scheduling Queen’s speech on Day of Rage

After weeks of uncertainty tinged with tragedy, the hard right fanatical Tories have been hammering out a deal with the DUP, which will finally be made official today at the Queen's speech. The last fortnight...

Stephen Fry forced to deny writing tomorrow’s Queen Speech

Rumours are circulating within Westminster village regarding tomorrow's Queen's Speech. In order for it to be the unmistakable work of comedy everyone expects, Downing Street has commissioned the famous comedian Stephen Fry. Given the smash hit...

Paul Simon to redo one of his biggest hits in tribute to ex EDL...

In a world exclusive, The Rochdale Herald can reveal that super succesful singer songwriter, Paul Simon, is working on a rewrite of the hit song, 'Mrs Robinson', from the classic movie, The Graduate. It appears...
Votey McVoteface

Conservative cabinet worried compensating fire survivors properly will just make them dependent on the...

Government emissions today suggest the Prime Minister and her cabinet are struggling to respond to last week's fire tragedy in a way that meshes with traditional Tory thinking, but doesn't make poor people dependent...

Man with plan to carpe the absolute diem out of today now on his...

A Rochdale man woke up Monday morning to his Eye of the Tiger alarm clock, punched the air, and said let’s get to work. Trevor Duckworth, 43, was full of vigour, after a brilliant weekend....

Put lipstick on a pig and it’s still an attractive pig says David Cameron

Embarrassed confusion reigned over the little Cotswold village of Slapstick-cum-Quickly as local resident David Cameron joined a misheard conversation and totally got the wrong end of the stick. The mix up occurred when David, who...

Grenfell Tower survivors offer Michael Gove their last five pounds to bugger off

Survivors of the Grenfell Tower disaster suffered a further shock last night when esteemed Tory minister Michael Gove was spotted in the vicinity. It's believed Gove was visiting friends in the area to make sure...

Hard left protestors to protest Grenfell fire by setting fire to buildings and looting...

Members of the hard left have announced plans to protest at the Grenfell fire by looting and setting fire to local shops it has emerged. Brother David told the Herald, "The Government's response has been poor...
Theresa May

Argos refuse to exchange or refund anymore Theresa May-bots

Shoppers in the UK were shocked by a press release this morning from popular retailer Argos, who state they will not exchange or refund anymore Theresa May-bots. The appliances have been a top seller both...

Government’s Brexit staff all writing “Trekking in Nepal” on CV’s

Recruitment agencies report an influx of fresh CV's today all listing activity from late summer last year until today as "Trekking in Nepal". All the CV's are from career civil servants, professional trade lobbyists and...

Clean-shaven white van man obviously failed by mental health services

A clean-shaven, white man has been arrested outside a Mosque in Finsbury, London, after his van veered off the road and directly into eleven bearded brown men. Reports are sketchy currently, but using information pieced...

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