Next up on our countdown of the most popular articles of 2017 comes a piece of gold from Charlie Stuart that even had a certain Hatie Hopkins foaming at the mouth.
Award-winning journalist, British Olympic athlete, Masterchef finalist, Blue Peter badge winner and compulsive liar Charlie brought this ‘outrage’ to the attention of the baying Biffers in August and they were queuing up to be horrified.
So, without any further ado, narrowly missing out on the top 3, here’s Number 4:
“Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018”
Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London’s rich cultural heritage.
The famous landmark, which is due to undergo extensive refurbishment next week, is to be called ‘Massive Mohammed’ from 2018 to reflect the city’s growing diversity.
“London is a city of many faiths and many nationalities, so it’s only right that its famous landmarks are representative of that rich cultural melting pot,” said project manager, Libby Tardy.
“We’ve had a Muslim mayor since 2016 and according to the Daily Mail over 87% of Londoners are now Muslim, so we are confident that the public will really embrace the new nickname.”
Due to health and safety fears, ‘Massive Mo’ will be silenced during the four-year renovation period, however, Tardy revealed that large speakers installed at the top of the tower will instead play the Muslim call to prayer every hour upon the hour. She also told the Herald that the Mayor’s office had been consulting with a range of different faith groups to seek their views on modifying other existing landmarks.
“Renaming the London Eye the ‘London Third Eye’ has been popular with Hindus and Buddhists, and we’re currently trying to persuade London Zoo to make its collection more kosher-friendly for the sake of its Jewish visitors. We did suggest changing Blackfriars to ‘Friars of Colour’ but many people thought that that was just a bridge too far,” she said.
“We do keep receiving letters in crayon from somebody called Paul Golding, demanding that we change Mornington Crescent to Mornington Cross, but Christians already have Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral, and ‘Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat’ at the West End, so they can f*ck right off.”
When asked to comment on the project, a spokesman for London Mayor Sadiq Khan said, “What a load of utter bollocks. You’ve made this whole thing up. It’s like the ‘halal countdown’ thing all over again.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Khan has a meeting with the Islamic Council in five minutes about their plans to turn St. Paul’s into a mosque. That dome is going to look glorious in gold!”