Let our resident astrologer “Mystic Rob” take you on a journey through the stars to see what this week will bring.

ARIES – The discarded train ticket.
You are in for a blistering weekend. Unfortunately your new shoes are too tight. You see a crow on tuesday and mistake it for a raven. You idiot.
Your lucky taxi driver is bald

TAURUS – The burden on the family.
Are you really going to wear that top with those trousers? Like, really? Fucking hell, get a grip.
Your lucky Jamie is Oliver

GEMINI – The kettle lead.
You wake up on Sunday morning completely religious. It’s quite surprising really, especially after what you did with that tea towel on Saturday night. Your religiousness will wear off by the time countryfile comes on. Phew!!!!
Your lucky shape is all a bit wriggly

CANCER – The dead ostrich.
Cancel all your plans for the next month. I’m not saying anything bad is going to happen to you, but something bad is going to happen to you.
Your lucky piss smells like sugar puffs

LEO – The rusted rake.
Beware the ides of March. Beware the bus of February more like!
Your lucky place in that song by The Beautiful South is Rotterdam

VIRGO – That word that if you keep repeating loses all meaning and makes your brain go all funny.
This week you will forget the names of the days of the week. You will call Monday “huntsday” and you will call Tuesday “blastday” etc. It gets on everyone’s nerves and you will be punched on Friday, or “spatzday” as you like to call it .
Your lucky day is rocketday

LIBRA – The dust in the bottom of a pencil case.
A brilliant week is ahead of you. Only if you trick your mind to change the words “fucking terrible” to “brilliant”. A horse falls on you. Quite bizarre.
Your lucky carrier bag is for life

SCORPIO – The Des O’Connor.
Always wear something green. I’m not saying why. I’m just telling you to do it. The lives of everyone on this planet depends on it. Or is it purple? I cant remember. Black?
Your lucky onion thing is chives

SAGITTARIUS – The unicorn that doesn’t exist.
You think you are “all that” just because you have a double t in your star sign. You are not “all that”, there are loads of things that have double letters. Like……i cant think of any right now, but there are loads. Fuck off.
Your lucky advert is that one with that man in high heeled shoes dancing with builders

CAPRICORN – The devastatingly handsome one.
This is my star sign so I can predict myself anything. This is amazing. On sunday you will have an ice cream. On tuesday you will have the best cup of tea in the world. On Wednesday you will not win the lottery, again. Bugger. Hang on. I should be better at the lottery. It’s ok, I don’t think anyone noticed.
You don’t need a lucky thing, you handsome devil you

AQUARIUS – The pointless argument with a tennis umpire.
You yawn on thursday and you sound a bit like chewbacca off that space film. Oh, I nearly forgot, you will be involved in a fight between a dog and a woman on Sunday.
Your lucky ship is champion

PISCES – the one that smells a bit like fish.
You will see a cloud that looks exactly like Chris Tarrant on Thursday (or gruntsday as virgoians like to call it). When you tell people they just go “oh, did you?”. You can tell that they dont believe a word you say. This frustrates you so much that you call an old man a “daft twat” in Tesco even though he was just looking at the reduced Taramasalata.
Your lucky money is made out of fresh ham

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