Our resident astrologer “Mystic Rob” guides you through the week ahead.

AriesThe Casio watch.
You have trouble opening a new bottle of tomato ketchup on Tuesday. After a bit of struggle you eventually open it. Phew. Watch out for the squirrels, they’re planning something.
Your lucky smell is garlicky.

TaurusThe food divider on the conveyor belt at tesco.
Lucky week in store for you. Firstly the batteries in your remote control won’t run out. Then, the very next day you see a lovely looking cow in a field. You jammy bastard.
Your lucky radish is horse

GeminiThe table leg.
You might die on Sunday. Then again, you might not. This isn’t n exact science.
Your lucky roaming animal is bison

CancerThe anvil
Some nutter who smells of piss and bananas sniffs your elbow on the bus on Wednesday. It freaks you out a bit. You get off the bus and walk home in the rain. Lucky I told you to take an umbrella sin’t it?
Your lucky band is Elastica.

LeoThe Flymo.
There’s a popular saying “there’s too much cheese on your cracker”. Is that right? It doesn’t sound right. I’m not very good at sayings. You get an itchy foot (left) tonight. Don’t scratch it!
Your lucky posh sport is Polo.

VirgoThe tonsils.
You start seeing dead people on Monday. You know, like that film with that bloke in. You know, the one that was married to Rachel from Friends. You drop a plate on Thursday. It doesn’t break, which is a shame as you are at a Greek restaurant.
Your lucky egg is heads.

LibraThe subtitled film
You spend most of Sunday in bed, just lazing around, reading and eating chocolate. Then you get up to go to the toilet and stand on an upturned plug. Serves you right for being such an idle fucker.
Your lucky bird is ostrich.

ScorpioThe bastard wasp.
You are surprised at the price of butter on Monday, but in a good way. It’s actually gone down in price. You jump in the air and click your heels together and burst into a 1940’s style musical number called “the butter is cheap. Cheap. Cheap”. You will be banned from Lidl.
Your luck John is West

SagittariusThe question.
You accidentally stand on a magpie tomorrow, which is bad luck. For magpies. On Wednesdsy you will manage to leave the house without forgetting something and having to go back for it.
Your lucky fly is button.

CapricornThe brutishly handsome one
This morning you will find yourself writing horoscopes for your adoring fans. Mr Griffiths in history was wrong. He said you would never amount to anything. Fuck you Griffiths.
Your lucky crisp is a kettle chip

AquariusThe right shoe.
Bob Dylan once sang “the times they are a changing”. How right he was. You are buying a new clock on Monday. However, you are still confused why Bob Dylan needed to put that “a” in the sentence. He could have just said the times are changing. Wordy twat.
Your lucky spring is onion

PiscesThe Brazilian government.
I’ve run out of time. The Editor’s on my back to get this finished so he can go and play “golf” with his secretary. I’ll do you a special one next week. Promise.
Your lucky bollocks are the dogs.

The stars have spoken.