Mystic Rob brings you your Roboscopes for the week ahead

Aries – The hair in the plughole.
On friday you will be confronted with a very difficult problem. The problem is so difficult that you piss yourself. Now you have two problems. What are you like? A pant-pissing pillock, That’s what.
Your lucky moon is Alfie

Taurus – The bag strap.
This weekend is going to be awesome. Not for you, for me. I’m going out this weekend with my mate. It’s going to be a really good weekend (for me), I cant wait. woohoo.
Your lucky tomato is on the vine

Gemimi – The loose woman.
You are the typical gemimi that notices that i spell gemimi wrong. It really doesn’t matter, I only did it to mess with your head. I can spel gemini. See? Your lucky stairs are not spiral

Cancer – the mouldy bread.
Stay in.
Your lucky thing is not going out

Leo – the feather that falls on Forest Gump.
On Friday you get this hair-brain idea. It’s about inventing a brain made out of hair. It’s a fucking awful idea.
Your lucky leaf is brown and wet

Virgo – The human statue.
Tomorrow is your lucky day…..sorry, cancel that…. tomorrow is your unlucky day.
Your lucky day is today

Libra – The cocktail menu.
“Shoot that poison arrow through my heart” is a song by a group called ABC. i quite like it. Do you? I think it would make an ideal “walk out” song for a professional dart player. What do you think? This isnt realy a horoscope, is it? It’s just a series of questions asking your opinion. Would it hurt you to give something back occasionally?.
Your lucky chile is voodoo

Scorpio – the lonely child.
Hooray! You are in for the time of your life. everything will go your way this week. Every day you wake up feeling great. You will get a pay-rise, you will fall in love, You will inherit lots of money from a ling lost relative you never met. Nothing will go wrong. except you cant stop thinking about that lonely child at the start of this horoscope, You end up sitting in a room, rocking back and forth, sucking your big toe.
Your lucky Spanish thing is a tiny sombrero

Sagittarius – The hardest to spell star sign.
Stay away from gravy this week. No, really, It’s very,very important that you are not near any gravy at all. If you are unfortunate enough to come into contact with gravy, put it in a waterproof bag and send it to my address. This is not just a ruse to get me more gravy (which i love). I’m doing this for your own good.
Your lucky sauce is mint (which should be sent to me too)

Capricorn – the counter that nearly falls on “tipping point”.
They say that bad news comes in threes. Not for you though. It comes in sixty-eights (which is one short of the sexiest number). You will boil an egg on Sunday. It will be too runny, undercooked.
Your lucky Robson and Jerome is Robson

Aquarius – the star sign when i write i ALWAYS sing that song “this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.age of aquarius. age of aquariuus. AQUARIUUUUUUS”.
You are in for a brilliant week. things will taste 4% better. so thats super fucking awesome.
Your lucky colour is blue, like your mum

Pisces – the triangular sweet in the Quality Street.
Watch your money this week. I will try to nick it.
Your lucky year is 1439

Scorpio – the lucky twat.
You will get two Roboscopes this week. dont tell anyone. if you do, i will hunt you down. i will find you. and i will frown at you.
Your lucky luck is i should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, I should be so lucky in love.

There you go. The spirits have spoken. Now skidaddle.

ooooooooo (imagine me disappearing into some fog (or mist or dry ice or something)

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Thomas Thomas is Sub-Editor for The Rochdale Herald. Thomas is proud to support such causes as "Cornwall for Jam First" and "Drop Scones Not Bombs". His personal motto is "Fuck it, why not?"