Aries – The Dead Postman
Things are looking up for you this week. You break your neck in a car crash on Wednesday. You will be in traction for months.

Your lucky thing is the ceiling.

Taurus – The Tilted Fez
Because Jupiter is aligned with Mars and that Mercury is on the cusp of Venus, you will probably hazard a guess that I have no idea what I’m talking about. You fucking hater.

Your lucky lizard can’t be seen.

Gemini – The Broken Vase
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror this week. You have been savaged by time and it’s been quite merciless on you. On the plus side, you still like Wotsits. Hooray.

Your lucky engine size is 1.6.

Cancer – The Tits
If you had a penny for each time someone mentioned the weather to you, you would have no idea how much money you would have. You haven’t been keeping count. And rightly so. Only a fool would do this. And you are only partly a fool.

Your lucky peel is tangerine.

Leo – The Monkey with Herpes
On Saturday you will trip in the shower and a bottle of shampoo will slip up your bottom. However how much you try it won’t come out. You go to hospital and no one believes you. To be honest, I’m struggling to believe you, and I’m writing this shit. You filthy fucking pervert.

Your lucky pony is my little.

Virgo – The Emptiness

Fuck all for you, Sonny Jim. Fuck off.

Not even a lucky thing. Twat.

Libra – The Missing Sock
Sunday seems to be your lucky day this week. As in nothing drastically bad will happen, apart from you cutting a toe off. The rest of the week is going to be sheer hell.

Your lucky umbrella is open

Scorpio – The Cold Cup of Coffee

Right about now you will have the tune and music of “I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky. i should be so lucky in love.” stuck in your head. You try not to think of it but then all of a sudden, whilst reading this the words and tune of “I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky. I should be so lucky in love.” will reappear in your tiny mind.

Your lucky towel is tea.

Sagittarius – The Devils Daughter
“Never a lender or borrower be” “a stitch in time saves nine” “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. Not predictions, just old sayings. do with them what you will. Fuck off.

Your lucky foreign shoe is an espeadri….espaddri….. hespadril……fucking clog.

Capricorn – The Liquor Licence
You will find a purse in town today; it is absolutely jammed packed with money. It has a shopping list containing all kinds of gifts for small children and a photo of a sweet old lady surrounded by her grandchildren. It has an address in it too. Fortunately for you, you possess no moral fibre; you take out the seven hundred pound, get pissed, have a steak and lose all the money in a casino.

Your lucky dog is a bitch.

Aquarius – The Goats Cheese Salad
“This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius. AQUARIUS. AQUARIUUUUUUUUS.”. Fucking hippy.

Your lucky wig is wam.

Pisces The Judas

You wink unexpectedly at your postman next Tuesday. You now have to avoid him until one of you dies.

Your lucky dice is no

There, the spirits have spoken. go get drunk as fuck. ooooooooooooooh.

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