Thanks to a weekend ripped to the tits on PCP, mescaline, cocaine and cheap speed, I have been enduring hideous hallucinations and nightmarish visions, so everyone’s horoscopes for the week will be represented by the art of Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes. Decipher what you will from these pictures, but know now that they are accurate representations of the seven days of suffering that await you. Each picture is full of symbolism that your unenlightened mind will struggle to comprehend, though you can rest assured that the pain and misery encapsulated in each image will be borne out in the most harrowing way imaginable – apart from Sagittarius – some real nasty s**t is coming your way. I told you that last week honey.
You got off lightly last week, but the stars were clear that things would go horrifically wrong for you and I’m not going to pretend differently.
On Monday, a strimming incident in the garden will leave you suffering and writhing in pain. You will struggle to walk and any attempt to do so is likely to cause long lasting damage. The lacerations are going to be deep and definitely infected.
As you lay in bed recovering, you will develop a deep-seated hatred and illogical resentment for those who offer you the most love and support.
By Wednesday you will have driven away everyone who previously cared about you and family members will be full of spite because of your unreasonable/irrational behaviour.
On Friday, you will be entered in an orifice you didn’t agree to.
By the end of the week, someone you love will be beaten to death by a man with a club foot.
p.s. You have an incurable disease but I’m not telling you which one until next week – so stay tuned.