Kicking us off on our Christmas countdown of the top ten most popular Herald articles of the year is Dick Turnip with “The Queen asks Merkel to form a government”.
Dick had been working as a vegetable highwayman but, having fallen off his horse and twisted his little finger, had to give it up. Having been declared fit for work by ATOS we found him propping up the bar at The Flying Horse telling stories of the olden days and the rest, as they say, is history.
So here it is. Originally published on the 9th of June:
“The Queen asks Merkel to form a government”
Her Majesty the Queen is expected to travel to Berlin later today to ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel to form a government for the United Kingdom.
This morning the royal spokesperson stated,
“With such a pathetic conservative majority, headed by an incompetent and lack luster shadow cabinet, her Highness was forced to say no to Theresa May’s request to form a government this morning.”
“Instead her royal majesty will cut out the middle man so to speak, travel directly to Berlin and formally ask Chancellor Merkel to just form the UK government and save us all a summer of chaos.”
It is believed that the prospect of not only a vasty reduced Conservative majority at the Brexit negotiating table, but also the chance the Democratic Unionist Party joining in a coalition has forced HRH hand.
“Her Majesty the Queen can stomach the NHS, schools and public services being swept away, but the thought of those bible thumping, gay hating, climate change deniers swanning through Westminster is abhorrent to her.” Said the royal aide.
It was unclear at that point if the aide was still talking about the DUP or Tory MPs who rose with May to power.
An inside source at Balmoral told the Herald,
“Liz said I’ll dance naked in front of Diana’s tomb, singing “Candle In The Wind” before I let those orange zealots step foot in the palace!”
The Herald contacted Downing street and have been given the following statement form Theresa May’s aide:
“Mrs May welcomes HRH decision to spare her from 2 years of debilitating humiliation and punishment at the hands of the EU brexit negotiations. She hopes that the German Chancellor will take pity and perform a swift coup de grace, before moving on to educate the rest of the nation on the importance of EU rule.”
Look out for number 9 in tomorrow’s copy of The Rochdale Herald.