The first thing Brexiter David Davis will demand of the EU when Brexit discussions begin tomorrow morning will be to take over Britain and form the new UK government.

This is a wise move given the UK is currentlly rudderless and faced with a series of calamities Downing Street seems ill equipped to handle.

Davis is said to prefer this so he has a ready excuse when his brand of bluster and hubris fail to achieve anything of substance against the largest trading bloc on Earth.

The surprising demand was revealed after an aide to Davis left key documents relating to Brexit negotiations in the toilet of a Starbucks at St. Pancras Eurostar terminal.

The toilet was in total disarray after the aide’s apparent frenzied time inside. Initially sealed as a crime scene, it was soon realised the toilet cubicle had just been the scene of a severe bout of fear induced diarrhoea.

It appears the aide was crapping themselves so hard they had turned to official documents to tidy up with and failed to sufficiently flush the papers away.

Asked what the documents revealed alongside Davis’ first demand, cleaning staff revealed it was as you would expect, it’s almost impossible to differentiate the aide’s horror bowel movements from the considered thoughts of the Brexiter in Chief.

The aide will be in serious trouble too for being easily identifiable. The majority of Davis’ staff have quit over the last week and marked their time spent in his department on their CV’s as “trekking in Nepal”.

Although it’s probable that being fired will bring more relief than pain to whoever is responsible.

The EU is expected to concede to Davis’ demand readily enough so they at least have some grownups on the other side to negotiate Brexit with.

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