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Dick Turnip

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Teenager

Teenager born in 2000 looks forward to enjoying retiring in 2120

Today the government announced that plans to change to the state pension retirement age to 68 will take effect in 2037, 7 years earlier...
Protests

The Canary calls for Tory MP to resign after failing to wash hands after...

Today The Canary has posted their 1,000th 'breaking news' article, in which 'the Tories are done' and that 'Theresa May must resign.' The far left...
Bergxit

Antarctical 50 signed, Bergxit means Bergxit

Today an area four times the size of London has broken away from the Antarctic landmass. It is a worrying example of rising sea...

Belfast Orange walk to become 24k Gold walk

The annual Orange walk of Belfast's protestant population is to take place this weekend and is expected to reveal itself now as a 24K...
Guy Fawkes

Anarchist delighted Guy Fawkes mask is next day delivery on Amazon Prime

Protests and rioting have rocked the city of Hamburg this week in the wake of the G20 summit. A large police presence as a...
riot

Anarchists praise efficiency of German train network as G20 riots start on time

The German city of Hamburg is hosting the 2017 G20 summit in which world leaders come together to discuss and agree on action on...
Thatcher Statue

Statue of Thatcher on horseback trampling a miner to be placed in Orgreave

This week MPs have debated in parliament for the commission of a statue to commemorate the former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. The original proposal of...
water cannon

German Police deploy hydration wagons to cool off crowd outside G20 summit

Police in Hamburg Germany have deployed Mobile Hydration Wagons in an effort to cool down overheated and thirsty crowds gathered out side the G20...
Writer

It’s too damn hot to write satire says satirist

Dick Turnip, writer for the Rochdale Herald, has been left unable to write a single humorous thing commenting on, or parodying the day's news. "It's...

Love Island’s Amber has a lovely personality, says man with sock on penis

The ITV reality show Love Island has been slammed recently for being 'a shallow excuse to show some flesh in the name of...
Independence Day

Trump leads Independence day celebrations by honouring Goldblum and Smith

It's the 4th of July national holiday, the anniversary of Independence day in the United States of America. A day when the patriotic celebrate...
Jeremy Corbyn

Dig for Victory, says Corbyn facing Brexit economic doom

Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the opposition and the second coming Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour, has set about his first week back in...
Arguing Old Women

Scone versus scone pronunciation debate hits 14th consecutive hour

It's National Cream Tea Day, which means across the nation the fine china is taken off the Welsh dresser and selections of finger sandwiches...
Applause Clapping

Government announces all heroes to be paid in rounds of applause

Government announces all heroes to be paid in rounds of applause. The first decisive vote in the new session of parliament was passed yesterday...
anti-vaxxer

My kids weren’t vaccinated and the one who didn’t die is okay says anti-vaxxer

Tracy O'Daffy of Middleton is heading a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of vaccination throughout the Rochdale area. Tracy has been a long...

TM + DUP 4EVA carved into Magic Money tree by PM

Theresa May spent the afternoon hand in hand with Arlene Foster and the rest of the Democratic Unionist Party skipping through Hyde park stopping...

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