Michael Gove

Gove cast as Tick-Tock in Rupert Murdoch’s adaption of ‘Peter Pan’

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An all star cast is to appear in seasoned stage director Rupert Murdoch's new adaptation of the J. M. Barrie classic 'Peter Pan'. Michael Gove has been cast as Tick-Tock, Theresa May as Captain Hook...

Doubling homelessness through reduced spending on welfare is excellent value claim Tories

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As the National Audit Office revealed that homelessness of all kinds has doubled over the past 6 years, a Tory spokesman has confirmed that they are very pleased with the results. At a press conference,...

Scientists reveal 2016 to be a fake year

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It has been established by scientists at Rochdale Community University that 2016 was the result of an illegal artificial intelligence experiment.  Herr Dr Professor Doktor said, "A couple of postgraduates fed some algorithms into our...

Sick Home Sec sacked?

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Home Sec Diane Abbott has been off sick since cancelling her appearance on Woman's Hour yesterday but has she been sacked? Jeremy Corbyn was giving nothing away when he told BBC Breakfast that she had...

‘Fuck equality’ says equalities boss

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The chairman of the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) David Isaac made the comment earlier this week; "Everyone is equal and all religions should be respected. Companies should honour all religious ceremonies and celebrations, as long...

Man believes in equality because he has daughters

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A man has confirmed today that he is “totally woke” on the issues facing women today, because he has made not just one, but two, with his magical penis wand. “Well, I think I really,...
Angry

People angry about Hillsborough weren’t even victims

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Like a crowd of Paul Nuttalls, they press forward into the comments section, STOP, STOP writing right there. “The timing is appalling, how dare you write about things in the news,” they complained to the...
Daily Mail Readers

Daily Mail readers hospitalised after inhaling EU migrant gas at Birling Gap

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Over one hundred patriotic Daily Mail readers were hospitalised yesterday after inhaling toxic EU migrant gas while innocently sea siding at Birling Gap. The weather was set English fair and the sky the colour of...

British public says Nigel Farage can have peerage now so long as we don’t...

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“It’s like Frankenstein’s monster. You create this and release it there is no telling what harm it will do once it realises it has thumbs. Better instead to give the chancer a Lordship and let him never turn up to the House of Lords. It will be exactly the same as his ‘work’ as an MEP. Put him on a few committees and you’ll never see him again.”

Corbyn “gives” Labour MP’s free vote on Trident

Besieged Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has generously given the MP's in the Labour Party the opportunity to vote with their conscience rather than his in tonight's vote on the Trident missile system. The Trident...

Chilcott’s Trojan War Report ready in the next few days

Sir John Chilcott has announced his long overdue enquiry into the Trojan War could be ready "within a matter of days". The report, long overdue and subject to criticism that it may have been delayed...

Doing Right Thing Would Set Dangerous Precedent, Says Prime Minister

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she won't intervene in David Cameron's scheme to reward all his mates with Honours. "Listen here," said an anonymous Number 10 spokesperson, "These things are decided by a...

Shipping alert as Monster Fatberg spotted in Caribbean

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The Caribbean is facing more misery this week as islanders struggle to deal with the destruction left in the wake of Hurricane Irma. What has been described as a "monster fatberg" has been spotted in...
Royal Family

United Kingdom gobsmacked as child turns four

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It was announced yesterday, with the publication of an official photograph, that a child is turning four today. We spoke to anthropologist, Dr Kay Smallbones who told us: "This is actually far more common than people...

Colonel Mustard blames the Housing Minister in the Cabinet Office with the Funding Cuts

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Colonel Mustard has alleged that the housing minister, in the cabinet office, with the funding cuts caused the Grenfell fire.   The Colonel, wearing a crumpled rain mac and deerstalker hat made the allegations to...

Blair offers May role as Middle East Peace Envoy

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Embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has been thrown an unexpected life line today. A surprise call from Tony Blair offering her the plum role of Middle East Peace Envoy. Ms May is said to be...

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