National News

David David MP, the Minister for Local Government was forced into the public gaze today to confirm that G4S has been awarded the coveted contract to monitor domestic waste disposal inside peoples' homes. The groundbreaking...

Lord Sir Baron Richard Branson said today that claims that he has it in for rail nationalisation enthusiast Jeremy Corbyn are unfounded. The gazillionaire, famous for crappy record shops and climate change, told the Herald; "I'm...

South Koreans will similarly be asked to stand on the border with their own north and use megaphones to shout at their alienated relatives that they think they have it hard, they could try living in Rochdale.

With only a little more than a month to go before the controversial Chilcot report is due to be released Whitehall has been thrown into chaos. Mandarins up and down the country have been recalled...

Tube Chat Badges given out to travellers on the London Underground to encourage people to talk more are said to be a surprising success, according to some reports today. The badges, which are not supplied...

Last year vegans and social justice warriors, fighting on behalf of un-offended Hindus and Sikhs, absolutely lost their shit because of the Bank of England's new £5 notes. 'Tallowgate l', as it became known, sparked...

The Duke of Edinburgh is reported to have become embroiled in a food poisoning compensation scam scandal today just hours after being discharged from King Edward VIIII's hospital in Battersea. The Duke is rumoured to...

A bloke in a pub has claimed that the Duchess of Cambridge’s unborn child is his, reports have confirmed. Unemployed Willie Eckerslike, 42, from Rochdale, was overheard telling a crowd of people in the pub...

In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank holiday weekend. "In this weather you should not be leaving a...

NHS workers and the general public were reassured this morning to learn Jeremy Hunt flushing money down his new toilet will replace the sound of Big Ben for the next four years. The famous bells...

The Government has released advice on what to do in the event of a 'no-deal' Brexit. The advice has the catchy strap line, "No-deal, not as bad as the Bubonic Plague". A Government spokesman said,...

Brock Hampstead, a male badger from the New Forest, has started a campaign targeting what he claims is speciesist profiling by advertisers. "I know that advertising works to strict algorithms, I'm not an idiot, but...

Theresa May - the facts She is planning to get Hello magazine to do an exclusive of her luxury life in No 10 2. She owns a talking mirror and can send an entire kingdom...

Today The Justice Secretary announced the scrapping of The Human Rights Act as outlined in the Tory Manifesto to a room full of Sith Lords, murderers and The Sun readers. As he uttered the proclamation...

Manufacturers of gigantic cardboard rockets and inflatable tanks have reported record profits for April following Kim Jong Un's massive display of military force. "It's been an amazing quarter to be honest," Chinese factory owner Sum...

Details are sketchy at present but apparently the Lockheed Martin Trident Vote after party was absolutely "off the hook". We can only imagine what kind of party you might throw for 472 of your closest...