A bloke in a pub has claimed that the Duchess of Cambridge’s unborn child is his, reports have confirmed.
Unemployed Willie Eckerslike, 42, from Rochdale, was overheard telling a crowd of people in the pub that the unborn royal baby was in fact his and not Prince William’s.
“Yeah,” he was heard saying to a crowd of onlookers. “She was on her day off, and she’d given all her bodyguards and all that the slip. She’s just so frustrated at being trapped in a loveless marriage, she’s never actually shagged him you see, those first two babies were adopted. Anyhow, she’d finally had enough. And this day she just appeared in front of me out of nowhere. One look in her eyes and I knew I’d pulled. She just said, ‘take me’ and so I took her to a nice quiet little spot I know. Except that it wasn’t quiet once we started, oh no! Best day of her f*cking life.”
Mr Eckerslike, who is short, has a beer gut, and can charitably be said to resemble an extra from a horror movie, was unfazed when told that the Duchess’ schedule for the day he claims to have seen her is fully comprehensive.
“Well, they had to cover it up, didn’t they?” he responded. “They can’t let it be known that she cheated on her husband with me, can they?”
The fact that there are witnesses who can vouch for her being elsewhere at the time he claimed to have been with her also had no effect on him. “They’re all in on the act,” he said. “Gotta be.”
And when the baby comes out looking like William?
“Well, it’ll be photoshopped won’t it?” was Mr Eckerslike’s response to that, before he downed his pint, swaggered out of the pub, and walked straight into a lamppost.