Features

Aries ? A visit to the dentist will end in both oral and mental discomfort when you wake up early from the completely unnecessary anaesthetic to find him fondling you. The dentist will put this...

Aries Beware people driving silver Vauxhaul Vectras early in the week - they mean you harm and will go out of their way to inflict serious injuries upon your person. Strike first if you can...

The first thing Brexiter David Davis will demand of the EU when Brexit discussions begin tomorrow morning will be to take over Britain and form the new UK government. This is a wise move given...

Today's COBRA meeting had to be abandoned after it was discovered that Cabinet Office Briefing Room A had already been booked by Trevor from HR. The HR meeting could not be moved because, by...

Aries On Monday, dreamy Neptune makes it's annual journey through the choppy waters of Pisces and enters your twelfth house, so put aside any thoughts of socialising - otherwise you'll be bitterly disappointed and likely...

Mystic Rob brings you your Roboscopes for the week ahead Aries - The hair in the plughole. On friday you will be confronted with a very difficult problem. The problem is so difficult that you...

At number two in our countdown of the most popular articles of 2017 is the second offering from our resident vegetable highwayman, Dick Turnip, to hit the top ten. Originally published on the 5th of...

The Rochdale Herald Christmas countdown of the most popular articles of the year continues with this beauty from Francis Aston. Originally published on the 3rd of July and retweeted by none other than Nancy Sinatra,...

Taking fifth place in our countdown of 2017's most popular articles is this biting piece of social commentary from Johnny Wapping, the only dog we have on our staff. The Punning Pooch of...

Dear Aunty Angela, I think my husband is cheating on me. We've been married for 15 years. He works in advertising and his job requires him to be away from home a lot. I'm a...

Kicking us off on our Christmas countdown of the top ten most popular Herald articles of the year is Dick Turnip with "The Queen asks Merkel to form a government". Dick had been working as...

As November's dark days close in, the annual kerfuffle over who does or does not wear a poppy has erupted.   As usual this has been overdone. Remembrance now seeps backwards into October. Crowds...

Apologies for missing last week, but nothing interesting happened in your pathetic lives anyway. And I knew it wouldn't, so I felt I deserved some time off. Anyway, I'm sick of giving my powers...

'Mr Shifty' Philip Green is exonerated of all wrongdoing when it transpires he is actually a seven year old boy. Forced to wear a pink frock and listen to the band McFly, he is...

Following years of swingeing corner cutting, government officials anticipate further public outrage and blame as fallout from the Grenfell catastrophe. Luckily a magic money tree has been found to pay for the protective cladding to...