Aries ?

A visit to the dentist will end in both oral and mental discomfort when you wake up early from the completely unnecessary anaesthetic to find him fondling you. The dentist will put this down to your confusion, but forget to complete the surgery – resulting in a painful abcess.

On Thursday, a neighbour will mistakenly blame you for Social Services being called regarding the bruising on the backs of his son’s legs and set your shed on fire. A long term grudge will ensue.

A weekend trip to the zoo will have a disastrous outcome, when one of your children tries to stroke a wolf and is savaged by it. The wolf will be shot in the head and your social media profiles will be mercilessly trolled. Death threats will be made because of your bad parenting.

Taurus ?

Early in the week you will ignore an old crone selling lucky stones at the shops, causing her to put a five year hex on you. Every time you urinate there will be a burning sensation which your doctor is unable to get to the bottom of.

Mid-week sees you standing on a rusty nail and requiring a tetanus jab but the nurse will misjudge the point of insertion, leaving you barely able to walk for five days because your leg has gone numb.

On Saturday a family member will go missing in mysterious circumstances. They will never be found but, from this point forth, you will receive a weekly cryptic message hinting that they may still be alive.

Gemini ?

Monday’s dinner party ends abruptly when revelations about your partner’s involvement in a cock-fingering video, almost a decade ago, comes to the surface and ends in a fist fight. You never look at them in the same way again.

A mid-week trip to the local supermarket will result in you being accused of theft and strip-searched by an overzealous security guard who insists he saw you pop a jar of pesto up your rectal passage.

Your attempt to help an elderly neighbour replace a light bulb on Sunday causes you both to be electrocuted and, as you fall on her, you will shatter her fragile pelvis. She’ll spend what’s left of her painful life in a hospice.

Cancer ?

This Tuesday a flasher dressed in a Roman toga will wave his, admittedly, impressively sized penis at you and a work colleague. The experience brings you closer together and you embark on a whirlwind romance.

Your colleague neglects to mention their chequered sexual history and you have unprotected intercourse with them, so by Thursday you start to get really itchy down below.

By Saturday your genitals are inflamed, starting to go scaly and all covered in an unpleasant discharge. This condition will not be treatable through conventional means and a traumatic voodoo based remedy is your only option.

Leo ?

A domestic argument about who won a game of scrabble several years ago will develop into a lengthy stand-off between you and your partner where neither side is willing to cede any ground and you barely speak for months.

On Wednesday you stand too close to a motability scooter while giving the driver directions and your shoelace gets caught, causing you to be dragged thirty feet along the pavement – much the amusement of a coach full of Japanese tourists.

At the weekend you’ll spot a strange man in a balaclava watching you from that bush across the street. After you close the curtains and start to wonder whether to phone the police, a bag of dog dirt will be emptied through your letterbox.

Virgo ?

As you go to bed on Monday evening, you will accidentally soil yourself and your sheets. The liquid nature of your excrement means it immediately seeps through to your mattress and ruins it.

Mid-week will see you repeat this mishap on public transport, resulting in a bill to replace the seat and an embarrassing walk home in filthy trousers. Your ex will drive past and beep their car horn whilst pointing and laughing.

On Saturday you’ll attacked by a gull protecting it’s nest. Your head and face will be covered in scratches and peck marks – many of which will become infected – leading to some nasty scarring.

Libra ?

Keep your mouth shut this week. Your ill-judged ramblings are likely to get you into trouble. You believe you know what you’re talking about but you really haven’t got a clue. Leave the thinking to intelligent people.

On Wednesday, your sciatica will flare up and the pain from the base of your spine and in both legs will be almost unbearable. The agony will lead to severe headaches as you become light-sensitive, meaning you are best off staying in complete darkness.

At the weekend, you will be informed that when your first child was born there was a mix up at the hospital and you were given the wrong baby. You’ve been bringing up someone else’s offspring all this time.

Scorpio ?

A drunken tramp will attack you on Monday/Tuesday after you refuse to give him a couple of pounds for some food. You selfish bastard. He was a good man too – don’t be so judgemental – he didn’t want the money for crack.

On Thursday, an old friend you’ve been too self absorbed to get in contact with for several years will die in a hot air balloon accident over Norfolk. All your feelings of regret will be justified. Shame on you.

At the weekend, you will be given £10 too much change by a shopkeeper and realise this before leaving the shop, but still say nothing. You’re a disgrace. An absolute fucking disgrace.

Sagittarius ?

You’ll come into money from an unexpected source this week, which will allay most of your recent financial concerns. You’ll be happy and contented. Things are looking rosy.

Mid-week, your partner will finally agree to let you do ‘that thing’ you’ve been trying to persuade them was a good idea for ages now. You’ll both feel a sense of relief and joy at finally doing the deed and the sexual act will be unforgettable/mind blowing.

You’ll catch up with old friends at the weekend and have a great time. Positivity and warmth will be flowing through you and those you are close to. You will end the week with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Don’t get your hopes up though – it’s all about to go tragically wrong for you after Sunday.

Capricorn ?

You will accidentally get a ball bearing lodged in your ear early this week, but be to ashamed to admit your stupidity to anyone. Over time, it will rust and cause you horrendous suffering.

A man dressed as an 18th century aristocratic ghost will soon take a dislike to you and, by Thursday, will have made you the focus of their pseudo-apparitional obsessions.

Fake hauntings are set to fill your weekend, but your stalker is an ex-policeman with friends in high places, so all of your complaints will fall on deaf ears.

Aquarius ?

Bum chum scum fun won’t seem like such a good idea when a group of unemployed doggers in ASDA carpark take your ‘anything goes’ offer on Monday beyond the realms of taste and decency but, hey, you asked for it.

On Wednesday you are set to be caught up in a violent altercation when you visit your local cake maker later than you expected and witness them being beaten to a pulp by a disgruntled customer.

The guilt of not stepping in on the horrifying scenes you saw, or reporting them, will consume you by Sunday. You will feel nothing but shame at your cowardly behaviour. You are a complete shit.

Pisces ?

Early in the week you will go to your recently deceased uncle’s house to clear out his belongings and find a massive stash of sickening photographs. There will also be a letter he never sent, explaining how you were always his favourite.

An argument with some Mormons will result in you chasing the two of them down the street on Thursday. You will be completely naked, apart from a gold thong decorated in glitter, which barely covers your shame.

At the weekend, whilst in the pub, an old enemy will hit you over the back of the head with a snooker ball in a sock. You will suffer memory loss and develop a lifelong facial tic as a result.