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Steven Black

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I probably don't like you.

Last week’s news roundup

Head of Britain First, Paul Golding, was arrested and sentenced to prison for obsessively visiting places he supposedly hates. He reportedly hates prison too...

Band Aid 2016 to raise Buckingham Palace repair costs

A new version of 'Do they Know is Christmas?' has been released in time for the Christmas number one top spot. The track by Bob...

Britain offers to pay off £50 billion European ‘divorce fee’ with jam

Following the news that Cuba has offered to pay its £222 million Cold War debt to the Czech Republic in Rum, Brexit Secretary, David...

1 billion Yahoo users ‘not arsed’ about forgotten Yahoo accounts being hacked

Ancient search engine and former email provider, Yahoo, has admitted that 1 billion of its users security has been breached. Yahoo, which was once a...

Strangeways to send its wardens to JD Sports Warehouse for’retraining’

Inspired by an undercover report on working practises at the JD Sports Warehouse in Rochdale, the Governor of HMP Prison Manchester, Dave Morrisey, had...

BBC confident Planet Earth 3 will contain ‘at least 80% Attenborough’

The BBC are desperately trying to complete series 3 of their hugely popular Planet Earth programme, as with all the fuckery 2016 has offered...

Facebook Year in Review video reinforces depressed lonely man’s belief that his friendless existence...

Retired upholsterer, Brian Mould, was thrilled to see a bespoke video of his 2016 appear on his Facebook newsfeed earlier this week. Filled with anticipation...

Charlie Brooker commits suicide whilst writing his 2016 Wipe

The much loved satirist repeatedly smashed his face into his own coffee table whilst reading through a draft of his hugely anticipated show. In the...
Santa

The ‘Santa Clause’ prevents Article 50 from being triggered experts warn

In a massive blow to the government, German lawyer Rudolph Shnitz has highlighted a clause in section 4 of article 38 dubbed 'The Santa...
Attenborough

BBC to put Sir David Attenborough in a ‘stasis chamber’

The specialist chamber housing Sir David Attenborough was created by NASA for long haul space travel and would have allowed Astronauts to be put...
George Michael

George Michael declined 33rd heart transplant after ‘giving them away’

The 80's pop sensation 90's cop bothering loiterer and naughties stoner George Michael has been refused the vital surgery by the NHS. Chief Cardiovascular Surgeon...

Rochdale Council name their new rubbish truck Donald Dump

Rochdale Council recently held a competition to name it's new flagship refuse truck. Amongst the suggestions offered were 'Binny McBin Face', 'Shit Truck' and 'Binner...

Former President of Gambia applies for Argos security guard position

After decades of ruling over Gambia, dictator Yahya Jammeh has recently lost an election to Adama Barrow who, amazingly, used to be a north...
Russell Brand

Russell Brand in hot water again for ‘pranking’ Andrews Sachs’ granddaughter

Long haired Labour killer and plastic revolutionary, Russell Brand, has come under fire once again this morning after 'pranking' the granddaughter of the late...
Geese

New £50 note to be made of foie gras

In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the new £50 note is to be made of foie gras. The announcement comes as...
Bank of England

Government promises next batch of fivers ‘will be halal’

There was an outpouring of fury earlier this week from vegetarians, vegans and religious groups as it was revealed that our new £5 notes...

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