Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt outlined plans today to “fill the doctor void” with medically untrained Job Centre staff.
The move has come under heavy criticism from The British Medical Association, leading Labour MP’s and even some Tory front benchers.
Newly appointed Secretary for Misery and Woe, Austin Painington-Smythe said;
“I’m all for making people’s lives worse but this takes the biscuit, what if I were to, God forbid, have a heart attack and be forced to attend a common hospital? I’ll stick with proper doctors thank you very much.”
Sebastian Sanguine, a spokesman for The Department of Health defended the decision;
“This is a genius move that will kill two birds with one stone. Patients can be declared fit for work at the point of treatment saving millions in admin charges and Job Centre appointment costs.”
He went on to address fears about the Job Centre assessors lack of medical knowledge and training;
“They will each be issued with a questionnaire and checklist to aid their diagnosis and treatments. If things get too much they can call NHS direct.”
The government are now in talks about bolstering nurse numbers with G4S staff.