Science – In a leaked Sport England research paper, several sports scientists have warned over the removal of the usual checks and balances deployed by boring sports to keep men in check.
“Removing grid girls, with their pleasing black and white uniforms containing well-proportioned bodies, removes checks and balances from the sport. This is reminiscent of the de-regulation of the City, removing from men the possibility of a Big Bang and replacing it with a distant memory,” wrote University of Lufbra Professor Carla Veage.
The University of Rochdale’s Norris Orks agreed, saying “Sports are traditionally divided into ‘proper sports done competently’ and ‘boring nonsense watched to justify alcohol consumption’ and it is simply dangerous to apply the standards of the former to the latter. Whilst the former category contains a wide range of sports where women excel as athletes, the latter contains a number of pretty tedious male dominated pursuits, where men can get violent if they are not appropriately distracted.”
Even Bath Uni’s normally cautious Titus Mammory agreed, adding “Cars going round and round appeal to men from an early age, but these boring pursuits leave them prone to violence, and without distraction they may throw the hot wheels at their brother. The simplest solution as every mother knows, is that when they get cranky, give them a nice bit of tit.”
South London club Crystal Palace have said that despite pressure, they will be retaining their cheerleaders no matter what happens, as they do not want their fans to start acting up like the toddlers at Millwall.
