Conservative leader to introduce those monks from Doctor Who on the main stage as Michael Eavis pours away his cider and looks accusingly at the bottle.
Theresa May will appear in a giant Pyramid during this years Glastonbury Festival, speaking to crowds during the Saturday afternoon. The Conservative leader is likely to receive a rapturous reception, in the wake of a general election campaign in which she energised young voters and defied political pundits to erode the Conservatives’ Commons majority.
May will introduce 12 alien monks, who have offered to assist the UK after a series of calamatious events have left the country feeling like it really just has had enough now thank you.
The monks are expected to deliver the strong and stable government this country needs, by eradicating all threats to the nation. They also speak both French and German so will be a dab hand at Brexit. They are expected to thank May for creating the conditions where they can assume office, and ask for someone pure of heart to invite them in as they haven’t managed to find anyone fitting that description on the 1922 Committee.
May is expected to speak on the themes of social justice and elevating the status of working-class people, as it is announced that no matter who you are, no matter how meek and lowly the manger in which you were born, everyone will be subject to the most robust scrutiny for thought crimes.
The Monks are scheduled to appear from their Pyramid stage at 4:15pm on 24 June, with May appearing just beforehand. Other right wing figures already scheduled to appear at Glastonbury include hate preacher Tommy Robinson, Greek neo-fascist Nikoalaos Michaloliakos, and campaigning songwriter Phil Collins.
