The Conservative Party is facing a huge crisis today after its entire membership was arrested during a clampdown on middle class cocaine users.

PC Drug-Bust McGee told us, “We’d heard there was a huge gathering of alleged known cocaine users in Birmingham. We acted on that intelligence and raided the conference center this morning. We’ve made hundreds of arrests. We’re probably going to have to build a new prison to house this lot.”

Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, “You see this all the time. It’s middle class people who are all into eating healthily and organically and making ethical choices when it comes to t-shirts. They even bemoan the rise of county-lines drugs gangs and demand the police do something in their neighborhoods to stop it whilst simultaneously snorting some powder that was made with petrol by some South American peasant who will be killed if he doesn’t make it.”

Seddon went on, “These people think it’s edgy and a bit cool to be doing cocaine like they’re on Narcos instead of someone who sells mobile phones or a living. They invite you round, serve you badly cooked food and babble incoherently at you for an entire evening. The next thing you know they’re gurning at a mirror and pretending that the pains in their left arm are indigestion and not a cocaine induced heart attack waiting to happen. Then when they finally do suffer the heart attack at 45 they blame the BPA’s in twenty pound notes.”

PC Drug-Bust McGee told us, “Drugs really damage you. The Tory party are proof of that.”