Delivery firms that specialise in not delivering your parcels have reported a huge increase in customer satisfaction levels.

The news comes following the companies use of a Scottish cocaine delivery service as a consultancy.

Spokesman, Cokey McCokeface said, “We’ve worked for years to improve our service. We’re so quick at delivering now that people are getting their coke before they’ve sent the message. It’s done wonders for our businesses image.”

Delivery industry spokesman, Hokey McHokeface said, “One of the first innovations that Cokey brought in was the concept of actually delivering the stuff the customers ordered. This was a huge advance. They also brought in a great apprenticeship scheme that young people have benefited from. We’re now the second largest employer of young people after Cokey.”

Hokey also told us, “Another advantage is that we’ve seen a decrease in the numbers of fraudulent claims of parcels not being delivered. This seems to be due to Cokey’s disciplinary services.”

One customer said, “It’s so much better. Admittedly, being woken at 4 am can be a bind but I’m not having to travel 4 counties to pick my parcel up.”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.