London – A bunch of irrelevant shitheads all got new jobs today in London. Theresa May is currently reshuffling the pack of lizards who would eat her babies if she had any in an attempt to pretend the UK still has a functioning government.

What’s happened so far:

Some old tit has replaced another old tit as Tory party chairman with some nitwit who nobody has ever hear of taking up the role as his deputy.

That bloke who was Northern Ireland Secretary has resigned because he needs lung surgery, poor bastard. He’ll presumably be replaced by somebody else who doesn’t know where Ireland is.

The Cabinet Office has got a new wanker after the last wanker resigned for lying about wanking in the Cabinet Office.

Philip Hammond, Boris Johnson, David Davis, and Amber Rudd have all been kept on because they’re doing such a brilliant job. Yay.

At time of Press Jeremy Hunt has not been struck by lightning, run over by a bus or garrotted in the street by a midwife.

The UK is still pretending that Justine Greening can read and will for now remain as Education Secretary.

Apparently Greg Clark is business secretary, we’d entirely forgotten about him.

It’s still impossible to look at a photograph of Michael Gove without muttering what a twat under your breath.

More as this as it unfolds.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.