A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently.

As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not seen since last winter and highways agencies up and down the country slapped their foreheads and said “Crap! We were supposed to put the salt and grit down first weren’t we? Why can we never get this right? It’s like nobody at the council has a calendar or watches a weather forecast.”

Panic grew quickly as people were advised by over-reacting news reporters to stay in their homes, cancel trips and close schools. Many were put in the terrible situation of being forced to decide there was absolutely no way they could get to work safely for the next 72 hours.

The white matter, which in some areas collected in piles of up to 300 millimetres, presented a completely unsolvable problem leading to gridlock on Britain’s roads.

“I’d never seen anything like it” said John Binbrook, a BMW driving recruitment consultant from Birmingham. “This powdery substance seemed to make the road, well, sort of slippery. Obviously the safest thing to do was to was to stay close to other cars so I dropped down 2 gears, floored it and tailgated an old lady in a Citroen. We both felt much safer.”

His neighbour Wendy Jones, a primary school head teacher, was equally at a loss to explain events. “It was quite cold” she told us. “Not really cold, not like the sort of temperatures that are routine for nearly 60 countries, but definitely chilly.

“Our school is a brand new, built for purpose modern facility with high insulation characteristics, level access and a comprehensive bus system to get pupils to and from school safely. So anyway I’ve closed it for 3 days. I’m probably going to go to the indoor ski centre at Tamworth and play in the fake snow fro be fair, it’s cleaner.”

The BBC were hoping to send out reporters to spread the feelings of hopelessness and fear but apparently it was way too dangerous to go outside.

The BBC themselves have given advice that, if you dare to venture out in your car this week, make sure you charge your mobile phone and take food and drink, warm blankets, snow shoes, a flare gun, a hunting rifle and a two way radio with you just in case.

Be careful out there. Winter is coming!