Islamic State have revealed they’ve had to enlist the help of a management consultancy company, Sunni side of the street, following a drop in recruitment.
A member of the consultancy told the Herald that the crisis is a result of research showing that suicide bombers get nineteen 72 year old virgins.
One ISIS spokesman said, “It’s a bit of a blow for our recruitment. The virgins were all we really had. We’ve lost all our land, we’re not really in it for the Islam anymore, it’s not like we can boast 5 star accommodation and a pool. We’ve recently run out of Sunni Delight as well. We need something to promise people.”
A spokesman for the management consultancy, Sunni side of the street said, “Most of these people think virgins are going to be really attractive and it’s going to be wall to wall banging for eternity. But think, who do you know who’s still a virgin? Anne Widdecombe, that’s who. Basically they get to paradise to discover nineteen Anne Widdecombes and a bunch of virginal suicide bombers like themselves. You cannot recruit young idealistic nihilists with pictures of Anne Widdecombe in a PVC thong and a mirror. There needs to be something more.”
It’s understood that ISIS intend to throw in a set of steak knives with each suicide vest but so far, even this hasn’t worked. One leader said, “If this fails I’m going to have to go back to working in ASDA again. That’s going to be terrible. I only told them I was going to Ibiza for a week. That was 2 years ago.
My mums going to kill me as well. I’ve ripped my jeans.”