Reports are reaching us that 2 people have been arrested in Judah on suspicion of being healthcare tourists. The pair say they are parents to the future King of Kings.

A Bethlehem border guard said, “The couple were here for the census and had travelled from Nazareth. The lady was heavily pregnant and looked quite exhausted. They were detained on suspicion of health tourism. They said they were carrying the son of God. We’ve locked them in cages. Bloody immigrants.”

A health official told us, “Currently our hospitals are swamped with people who had to travel here because of the Governments own policies. Our waiting room is full of people who’ve injured themselves travelling here. We were already struggling with winter leprosy related injuries. Census related injuries are probably going to tip us over the edge.”

A Judean carpenter we interviewed as a cheap way of padding this article out, Josephus Leviticus told us, “I think it’s right they should have been arrested. I graft 72 hours a day building crucifixes and doing villa renovations to pay my taxes. They’ve put nothing into the system and think they’re entitled to healthcare because they’re carrying the son of God. I support Herod 100%.”

Government spokesman, Caligula Rees-Mogg told us, “This Government  is trying its best to repair the damage caused by the previous Maccabee administration. We will require all true born people of Bethlehem to register for health care. This will make them much easier to round up when we destroy the temple in Jerusalem and take their homeland from them. We can just tell them it’s to stop health tourism and that Herod has promised to execute the first born of any such health tourists.”

“Studies show that once you let some in they all want to come. There’s already rumours that there are 3 men purportedly kings on the way. They’re bringing undeclared goods into Bethlehem. That’s putting native Bethlehem Myrrh workers out of business. And then there’s going to be loads of penniless sheep herders coming. Where are we going to put all those. Nope there’s no room at the inn.”

Josephus told us, “Brilliant idea Herod. I support him 100%. Fewer first borns means fewer people and more hospital beds. The people have spoken and execution of first borns is what they want. The policy should be unquestioningly implemented.”

The Herald understands that Mary and Joseph were last seen looking for a accommodation on TripAdvisor. They’re also planning an out of season trip to Egypt as it’s quite cheap in January.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.