Hollywood insiders let slip today that a wooden doll come to life called Pinocchio will play Nigel Farage in the upcoming biopic.
An aide to Bruce Forsythe, tipped to make his directing debut with the yet to be titled film, revealed the first choice to the Rochdale Herald’s ‘Films about Smug Liars’ correspondent.
“Pinocchio is the only actor available with a nose that can grow throughout the course of the drama.”
Worries that Pinocchio won’t have the full range of facial expressions required for such a challenging performance have been dismissed.
“Nigel only has a few expressions. Sullen disappointment. Shock that another lie has been swallowed and gloat. It’s not too big a stretch.”
Filming is expected to start in the autumn at the abandoned soviet era research facility where Nigel was tortured and brainwashed as a toddler to create the impressive sleeper agent currently trashing the democratic institutions of the UK.
Worries that Pinocchio won’t be able to control the speed of growth of his nose to get through filming while not becoming a health and safety hazard on set have been acknowledged.
“That is a concern. Most of the supporting cast, when we can find one, will have to wear some sort of prosthetic eye covering to protect them. We’re getting insurance quotes now and they are a little steep. Arron Banks has offered to insure the cast but most of the small print on the contract he’s presented is written in invisible ink. So I’ve heard.”
What to title the film is another nut to be cracked.
Requests from the public to name the film have had to be abandoned. They were either correctly spelled expletives or poorly written praise so hard to comprehend that the staffer responsible for sifting through the responses incurred a nose bleed.
Worries about how to fund the Farage film production, with the UK economy showing signs of deterioration, have been set aside, as it’s been discovered the government will soon have a spare £350M a week to fund the production.
