In a shocking confirmation of what arseholes up and down the country have been saying for hours, the new Doctor has fucked it already by mucking up a perfectly simple reverse park into two simultaneous time-streams.

The manoeuver, never before attempted by any sentient being and supposedly not even possible according to conventional known physics, looked simple enough to bystander Colin Limpstaff from where he was stood but no, apparently it was far too difficult.

“Mark my words” said Mr Limpstaff “next thing you know she’ll be having to call out the galactic RAC cos she’s filled it with dilithium crystals, or she’ll mention ‘Oh, I know it’s bigger on the inside anyway but I feel like some throw cushions would open it up a bit, you know?’ and that will be it for me, honestly. I’ll no longer be able to enjoy a children’s program, ever. I mean, what next? A black? An asian? A mick? Next thing it’ll be REAL women doctors, and lawyers, and builders! Women, even! FEMALE women, can you imagine that?!”

Galifreyan’s across the Galaxy are said to be furious that a bloody human has been appointed to the role. AGAIN.

We concluded our interview at this point, as we felt Mr Limpstaff was a bit of a tit. If you’re offended by the fact the new Doctor is a woman, we suggest you have a good long look at the world around you today, and then shut your stupid face. It’s just a kid’s television show, folks.