“Putting a woman in the Tardis is like putting a woman in Number Ten. And we all know how well that went!” Capaldi said, as he addressed an emergency cabinet meeting. “I love Number Ten, it’s so much bigger on the inside!”
“Piloting the Tardis is dead easy,” Capaldi continued. “Pull the lever, and she goes where she needs you to go. River Song managed it, though she was shagging the Doctor at the time and was the amazing Rory’s daughter. She was proper phwooooar, unlike annoying Amy Pond or even impossible Clara Oswald.”
You don’t steer the Tardis, you negotiate with her. “All you have to do is let her know Who’s boss,” said Capaldi, as David Davis went visibly pale while thinking about laying down the law to Angela Merkel. “Doesn’t the Tardis sometimes misbehave?” asked Boris Johnson, who looked like he had been dragged through a time vortex backwards. “No,” relied Capaldi, “she discerns where you are needed most.”
“Surely being the Doctor is a boy job?” interjected Philip Hammond. “I mean, a woman in charge of the Tardis would surely be called Nurse Who?” Health minister Jeremy C. Hunt smirked approvingly. Amber Rudd attempted to kick both of them under the table but couldn’t reach as she only has little legs.
“Not at all,” replied Capaldi. “All you have to do is talk timey-wimey nonsense and pull the handle. Even a woman could do that. It’s flying a time machine. It’s not rocket science.”
Meanwhile, Brexit negotiations continue. Like the Tardis, Brexit is infinite and labyrinthine. And as for Theresa May: “Doesn’t she look tired?”
